The Traumatizing "Machine Gun" Sneeze

3) The Traumatizing "Machine Gun" Sneeze

Someone once said to me that if you sneeze more than twice in a row that your head would explode. Being six at the time, I believed it.

Growing up, the fact that most of the things you believe are actually just cruel lies, put in place so that your parents can make fun of you, becomes more apparent. The sneeze thing was one of them.

Yesterday I was doing some photography, taking pictures n' stuff, when I heard the sound of an AK-47 firing off in the distance.

This...
THis is an AK-47

I thought 'WTF WAS THAT' and bucked it into the nearest bush, looking out to see if there were terrorists around (always suspect terrorism). All I saw was an old woman walking by. She was about yay high, and walked at about 3 km/h (metric!)

If she hadn't sneezed again I would never have known. But suddenly her face scrunched up, her spine bend backwards and she let out a sneeze like a gun shot. Again, again. They wouldn't fucking stop.

It was fucked up, k.

Anyway I was still in Cock of Duty mode so I hoping my health would regen before she reloaded. I was too far to knife so I spammed the grenade button. I was all out so I was like fuck fuck.

She reloaded too quick. That sleight of hand. So the game ended and the enemy team won.

I got a bit XP though, I can create my own class now.

Fucking Cock of Duty.

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

2) The Obnoxious "I'm a Sneeze... Bitch" Sneeze

2) The Obnoxious "I'm a Sneeze... Bitch" Sneeze

This sneeze is a little less common than the "Motion picture drawn out tension" sneeze, but still will probably have been sighted by most of you. 

This is the first image that comes up if you type I'm a Sneeze...
Bitch into google images

During the execution of this sneeze the sneezeee (again, like employee) lets out his outburst of orgasmic goodness and makes the sound Ah-Choo. Like, they pretty much yell Ah-Choo. It's really fucking strange cause most of the time it doesn't even sound like they're sneezing, it just sounds like there being an attention whoring D-bag that wants everyone to bless them. Obnoxious prick.

But, there is also an alternative way to interpret the "I'm a sneeze... bitch" sneeze, if the person spends a slightly longer time on the "Ah" than he would on a regular sneeze. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Sometimes, Obnoxious Sneezers, sound less like there sneezing and more like there powering up a volatile energy that can hardly be held within the constrains of their own body that they may unleash it on an unsuspecting (well never suspecting because he's fucking yelling) foe/evil doer. Like in Dragon Ball Z. 

So next time you here the obnoxious "ahhh" of the D-Bag sneeze, don't start exercising your vocal chords in preparation for a bless you. GTFD (Get the fuck down) cause you might have more than mucus headed your way. You might just get Kamehameha'd.

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

1) The Classic "Motion picture drawn out tension" Sneeze

Did you know that a sneeze is one-sixteenth orgasm? A friend told me so it might not be true, but I go to bed a little easier believing that there's a possibility of having mini-orgasms in response to the irritation of the respiratory epithelium lining of the nose. Wow, your so smart Bandit.

I realized, using all the powers of critical thought that I have learned from our conformist society, that squeeze is quite a general term.

I see sneezes as being a bit like dogs. This a dog:

Awww 

And so is this.

Fucking Chihuahuas 

Well sneezes are the same. They come in all shapes, sizes, species and sexualities. So over the next few weeks I will compile a detailed list of all the sneezes that exist.

1) The Classic "Motion picture drawn out tension" Sneeze

This is probably one of the most common sneezes, that I would categorize under General (As oppose to Exotic or Sensual). You've all seen it. I know you have.

What ends up happening is the unlucky (or lucky if you believe the orgasm thing) sneezeee (like employee) feels the tingle of little microscopic sneezeabies (there the things that make you sneeze) stampeding through the his/her nasal area.

Side note, this is what a sneezeabie looks like.

Actually starting from the left these are Rabies, yogurt and E.Coli germ plush toys 

The sneezeee, who we will name Phillip, scrunches his nose in irritation as he recoils from the sudden nostrilcular sensation he is feeling. It acts as a kind of warning (or a bizarre mating call) that makes everyone around Phillip aware of their impending doom if they do not gtfo.

It's like one of those bomb scenes where the hero's dive away from the explosion in slow motion.

Like the bomb scenes, the sneeze seems to happen in slow motion. Anyone whose back is turned to Phillip knows, half sneeze, exactly what going on just by everyone's expression. You can hear the oxygen as it's sucked in to Phil's lungs, loading the gun that's about to let loose a torrent of squishy oozing ammunition.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, within line of sight of the sneeze takes a dive to the nearest cover. But of course, three quarters in, there's a small innocent child carelessly wandering in the blast radius. People gasp. Gasp!

Seven eighth of the sneeze is complete and soon the finale is about to splatter the youngster before his time. Sad face. Lucky for the kid our hero, Mr. McNificent, is sheltering himself nearby. He pushes swiftly from behind his barricade, and runs full speed towards Phil. “Noooooo” he screams as he does a superman dive straight towards Phil's mid section.

It's too late, it seems. The Sneeze is about 97% ready to blow which gives him about 0.467 seconds to send it off in a different direction. 98%, he's in mid air in slow motion, 99%, It's coming and his shoulder is finally in contact with Phil's left hip.

100%. The force of the collision sends Phil's sneeze off course as he expels his built up oxygen in sudden jolt of one sixteenth orgasmic goodness that sends glistening conglomerations of mucus towards the sky. Phil falls to the floor. It's over.

The boy runs to his mother, a beautiful obviously single woman who McNificent had been eying for a while. “Thank you,” she sighs, “You saved my son.”

He pushes back his hair. “Don't worry,” he tells her, looking away into the distance, “It was a sneeze.”

Everyone know that sneeze.

Too be continued...


Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE