Cowpuns

You BUTTER not SKIM through this.

So the other day, I’m going though facebook in an attempt to find giggle worthy things and I stumbled across this on a friend’s wall:

WTF is this and what's it doing on my blog

I think it was the sheer absurdity that threw me off, and I started just by commenting “mad cow?” as a double entendre. Let’s not get insulted people; you thought it too. But I couldn’t stop there. I love puns. I especially love bad puns that make people shudder.

So I began my assault.

Was she arrested for Bull-ying?

This picture is udderly ridiculous.

I don’t know what she did to get arrested, but the steaks must have been high.

Maybe I’m milking this joke too much.

I butter not over do it.

But it’s just so amoosing.

Sigh. Mooving along.

One quick commentary before we move on. Not entirely sure if woman or man. My bad if I called it wrong.

Futurama... Bitch

At any rate, all this led me to wonder, is there somewhere I could find more cow puns? I mean this is the Internet, so I wouldn’t have been too surprised if there was a few places, so I gave it a shot. (I want you to know I’ve spent two days bed ridden with a lung infection. If you’re wasting your time searching the internet for cow puns without a reason up to par with that, go play traffic tag. Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection; The Game.)

This was an incredibly perplexing search, because I found SITES dedicated to cow puns.

Yeah I’m serious. Forums where the main topic was cow puns. (WHHHAAA?)

Does this not astonish anyone? Am I over reacting here?

I looked this up because I had seen a hefty black woman in a cow suit in jail and wanted to make stupid comments under a picture. Am I to assume that everyone was looking at that same picture when they were making those forums and sites? That would be horribly coincidental and really creepy, for one. Or maybe, this is some really popular screen capture of some furry porn from god-knows-where-the-fuck that apparently the whole internet knows about and I was the last to get on board. (Eeeeyshh…) How would you open a porn scene like that? …

…

…

…

Got milk? (Someone’s gonna sue me.)

It would make it more understandable, but without any reason, I’m getting that people just sit around thinking of fucking cow puns. I’ve heard of people doing stupid shit, but this? COW PUNS? Dedicating an ENTIRE site to COW JOKES? Does anyone here grasp how long it takes to make a website?! And then you waste hours of coding, writing and graphic design to PUBLISH shitty COW puns!? This isn’t just puns people. These are SPECIFICALLY cow puns.

You know what got to me the most though? What really ticked me off? I’m not like those people who waste their time making these sites or LOOKING THEM UP to use the puns.

No.

No I thought of my puns, you lazy fucks. I actually thought of my OWN cow puns before looking to embellish my posts with other people’s COW PUNS that I DIDN’T EVEN COME UP WITH. You’re not even thinking at that point. You’re copy-pasting COW PUNS. IN FACT, YOU’RE PLAGIARIZING COW PUNS. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME

ON YOU ALL!

Cuttlefish

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

YOU ALL SUPPORT CHILD PORN

Hey guy, YOU ALL LIKE CHILD PORN!

So I’m about to bitch more than I’ve ever bitched before, but this good friends and readers, is something that really, REALLY pissed me off.

The Government saw the citizens were enraged by SOPA, PIPA, ACTA, C-11, whatever the fuck they dished out at us expecting us to swallow and accept. These broad, poorly formulated laws threatened to destroy the Internet as we know it, and completely disregarded our rights, Freedom and Privacy.

So, what do they decide to do? Do they agree to stop fucking around in Parliament and the White House and whatever else freaking location they’re clearly too busy blowing each other in? Do they decide to finally PROPERLY represent the voice of their people who elected them to run their respective countries?

Yeah you fucking wish.

Apparently, in the government’s sorry-ass attempt to protect us from ourselves, they come up with a new law that essentially does the same fucking thing as SOPA and pals. But, what are they doing to pass this one, and counter the public outcry the other bills were greeted with?

“If you don’t support this law, you support child porn!”

^ for those of you naïve fucks who actually agree with this, get the fuck off this page. In fact, get off the Internet. (Seriously, how did you even navigate this far?)

For those of you who have realized what they’re trying to do, good job, here’s a cookie. Yes, those stupid sacks of shit who probably can’t even operate MS Paint are basically saying that if you don’t agree with this bill, you’re support child porn. Let’s go over the basic “innovations” this law has to offer, shall we?

1) REQUIRE Internet servers to give ANY information the cops want whenever they want, without a warrant. I mean your names, IP address, phone number. Did I mention WITHOUT a warrant?

2) Create a backdoor system to allow the cops to easily access the information on the internet. Jolly good.

3) Now this is the best, and I’m going to quote the EXACT wording from the article I read this bullshit on just to make sure this gets across VERY CLEAR. “Allow police to get warrants to obtain information transmitted over the internet and data related to its transmission, including locations of individuals and transactions.” (yeah, better keep those sexy nudes you were going to send to your boss with your business proposal out of your email, cuz they gonna look right on through them.)

4) Basically grants permission to courts to compel with other parties to conserve any electronic evidence.

So, I have a message, oh wonderful and powerful government, FUCK YOU.

Let me tell you what’s wrong with this.

#1, Every hear of a proxy, r-tards?

Somehow, these assholes are trying to argue that their new wonder-law is going to take those child porn-makers off the Internet and be big heroes. Yeah, no. Not going to happen. This is a clear indication that these guys probably don’t even know how to turn their computer on. This law isn’t going to STOP these guys. They’re going to find a way around it! Don’t they learn? Look at drugs. Yeah, woohoo they’re illegal! I can
walk around in any city for less than 10 minutes and probably get my hands on anything I want from ground up unicorn shit laced with LCD to heroine. In terms of the internet, this is simply called a PROXY, and while these dickheads are jacking off to celebrate their success, the child porn makers are going to come around from behind and surprise buttsex them.

#2, It’s a complete and total violation of our basic privacy rights!

Seriously, what right do these dicks have to intervene on our lives, regardless if we are law-abiding citizens? Are we to assume the government thinks we’re ALL criminals? I’m sorry, regardless of whether or not I have anything to hide, I’m not going to enjoy someone going through all my emails with nothing to justify why they’re doing it! This legislation can so easily be abused, with no repercussions for those misusing it. This very tool can be used to limit freedom of speech and the circulation of ideas that the government does not support, and this WILL be abused. Don’t believe me? Think of PEPPER SPRAY, and tasers. We give the boys at a station a new pew-pew toy and the next thing you know they’re firing it around like it’s confetti on New Years and justifying it with completely ridiculous claims. “Well sir, the use of the taser was warranted, the man, who we had restrained with 6 gun barrels partially up his arse was a threat.” Unless there is a platform introduced that there are repercussions for misusing the system, no law should EVER be passed of this nature. Where the hell is the goddamn democracy?

#3, This bill is being sent out to support a policy that hasn’t even been created.

Remember what I JUST said about misusing it? These legislations would be put in place before a policy to use them on is even on the table! So what would they use their newfound power to do? Good?

Again, you fucking wish. We’re talking about the Government here, remember?

#4, This pretty much is dismantling democracy.

Think about what‘s going on here. This is our government trying to keep tabs on the people that they trust the least, the real scumbags. Who are they? Oh, you know, just the people who elected you jerks. (At this time I’d like to say, FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVE VOTERS. Hope you’re happy now.) Slowly using masks like child porn, terrorism, and anything else you can do that’s shitty, the government is just making it nice and easy to slip into your house and say, “we’re only here to protect you” as they pretty much watch you shower. But goodness, they’re just trying to do good. They’re protecting us from ourselves! Do you also realize how fascist this is? Yeah. Let’s take away the rights of citizens, and give them to corporations. Look around if you see I’m being extreme. Do a little research, it’ll do you some good.

#5 Their argument.

“If you don’t support us, you support child porn.”

Well what the fuck is that supposed to be? They may as well say, “If you don’t help us pass this law that violates your privacy and lets us abuse our power more than we already do, we’re going to line up cute, fuzzy kittens in front of your door and systematically shoot them until you agree with what we say. That makes YOU a bad person.”

Wait, WHAT? The government blackmailing? They’d never do that!

Hey Vic Toews, Mr. Big Shot Public Safety Minister, I have a present for you too. FUCK YOU.

Cowards. You hide behind CHILD PORN to pass a law? Damn, how low has the Gov. sunk? (don’t answer that, I don’t want an answer. Really.)

So you know what I have to say to sum this all up?

I guess since I don’t like the Government completely destroying our democracy, since I don’t like the idea of police going through my personal stuff without any warrant, and since this is about as successful as SOPA and PIPA and all the other piece of shit laws that failed…

I GUESS I SUPPORT CHILD PORN.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Sonic Fails

Wanna know a game I grew up with and loved? Sonic the hedgehog.

Swiwlver, Swonic and Shwahdohw

I’m going to imagine a few of the people who read this probably just pissed themselves laughing, but contrary to the new garbage Sega is releasing, the old games were classics. I mean Sonic and Mario were considered “rivals” at one point, and then Sega does what Sega’s good at, and fucks shit up.

I think the franchise went down the toilet the moment 3D was integrated into the games. Sonic Adventure 2 in my opinion is the absolutely last good game the Sonic Series had to offer before things went horribly wrong. The series started going downhill with Sonic Heroes, but I think the last nail in the coffin was the very game intended on redeeming Sonic and pals, Sonic 360.

Redemption? I think the only thing that game showed fans was it was about time to take Sonic to the vet and put him out of his misery. Sega gloated about how good this game was going to be, how the graphics were beautiful, and even added some new characters to shake things up a bit. To have even thought this game was a success, I believe the developers were being fucked in the ear canal at the time.

Let’s go over a few of my favorite moments playing this game:

1) LOADING

Sure! Let’s try to make the game pretty! Let’s do all this shit to appease the audience with pure aesthetics and intriguing dialogue (LOLOLOLOL.), and because of all this, let’s make players wait  45678365836478658383 hours to actually play the fucking level. Sure, games have load times, I can understand waiting a few minutes for something that will actually be worth my time, but this was ridiculous. I played this game on xbox, so maybe it’s a feature exclusive to the system, but between every little bit of dialogue, LOADING… You answer a question, LOADING… You walk into the level, LOADING… and then you die in the level, and you do it ALL over again. Answer all the same tedious questions and wait half an hour to actually say, “Yes you stupid asshat, I actually DO want to go into the level.”

And these aren’t short loading times. You basically have time to walk down the street, fuck the mailman, learn to ride a unicycle, and take a nice leisurely stroll back to your game which will probably still be loading. Ok I’m exaggerating a little but, but it’s fucking stupid.

2) Level designs

I think someone needs to remind Sega what the Sonic games used to be about. Sonic fans liked the SPEED. (Not the drug, nitwits) They liked running through the levels, grabbing the rings, trying not to die, and all the while being challenged. None of this stop-and-go bullshit in this game. To those that haven’t played this game (don’t do it, don’t even try.), you basically have 3 story lines to follow, being Sonic’s, Shadow’s and the new character Silver (another reason Sega needs to give up), and frankly the two secondary character’s storylines are ten times more enjoyable than Sonic’s simply because his uses the original mechanics of when the games were good. It wouldn’t be a problem if they stayed true to the original games, but the courses are nowhere near smooth, and don’t permit the fluid running movement that used to make the games good.

Example:

“Yaayyy I’m running, awww yeahhh grinding, hooming attack, running again- OH
FUCK ME, A CORNER!” * dead *

The levels themselves cause you to stop every two seconds due to mobs of enemies that you have to STOP to deal with, or the horrible level plan which kills you every little bit due to you crashing face-first into walls OR falling through invisible holes. RIGHT, speaking of that, let me rant about GLITCHES.

3) Glitches

Now, not going to lie, I have NEVER been more pissed off in my life about glitches in a game than this piece of shit. I mean there are glitches EVERYWHERE. Let me talk about my favorite one though, just to give you an idea of how terrible this game is.

Remember how I said dying in this game was total bullshit? So this one wonderful time, I’m running around on one of the ocean courses (I don’t want to remember what it was called so don’t ask which one this is.), and this is one of the courses where Tails follows you around (fuck him, fuck him hard and not in the good way.),
and says stupid shit like “I’m coming Sonic!” “I’m right behind you!” etc… which is annoying as all hell, and I just remember thinking to myself “Hm, besides the retarded fox pissing me off, this isn’t really that- fuck.” I said this quote right as I fell through a SOLID bridge, because some asshole programmer didn't realize they left a fucking little patch you can fall through. I understand if I died from falling, hitting the wrong button, or anything else I can blame it on, but in no way should I have to suffer through ALL the dialogue all over again because some dickweed didn’t fix up a part of the ground. To add insult to injury Tails exclaimed (not kidding) “I’m coming with you Sonic!” and proceeded to walk to the edge of the bridge, jump off and dive into the abyss with Sonic and die. I was an instant away from hurling the xbox out the window.

However, like any great review, this one also needs to go over the good points of the game…
…
…
I got nothing.

To conclude, don’t play this game. If you want to experience this game for yourself, simply paper cut your genitals and dip them in lemon juice. Save yourself the money and time.

Fuck you Sega.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

The Cutest Little Girl Ever. EVER.

So I’m not going to lie, the most common thing you’ll ever hear me say is how much I don’t like kids. It’s weird, because I always take jobs that surround me with the little mites, but there’s something bizarre that attracts me to them at the same time. I’m not a pedophile, firstly. What I mean by that is that something about being near something that pisses you off so much has a certain… attraction that makes you do it. Regardless, one of the jobs I work is at a reptile zoo, and I bring reptiles to parties and give the audience a whole buncha information that no one really gives a fuck about, and let them touch all the critters. No one gives a fuck about what I’m saying, they just want to poke at the snake’s eyes or pull on an unfortunate lizard’s tail. At any rate, I try to engage the audience and try to force them to learn something. Although it’s about as successful as teaching a horse to figure skate.

So on this particular day, I start asking kids; “Well, what makes a FROG different than a REPTILE? What kind of animal is a FROG?” One stupid looking kid puts his hands up.

“IT’S A FROG, MISSUS.” With this grin across his idiotic face.

“Close.” I said, secretly wanting to tell him, “No, you inbred fuckface.” Another kid raises his hand.

“IT’S A GREEN FROG!” At this point I didn’t even remember the question, because kid after kid just named off different color frogs. I had to stop this before I punted one of these little dipshits across the room.

“All right,” I sighed, “everyone who is going to just name another type of frog, please put your hand down.” All of their hands went down. Minus one little blond girl with big blue eyes and pigtails. Reluctantly, I nodded at her to proceed.

“A frog, is d-d-different, because it is ANFIBUROUS.” The cuteness level was immeasurable. I stood there, in front of the room, with my mouth gaped open in awe of the cutest little girl I have ever laid eyes on. I didn’t give a shit if it was “amphibious”, I wanted to take the little girl, bring her home with me and just make her say ANFIBUROUS over and over again while I giggle-snorted the day away. But as we all know, there are many laws that prohibit us from doing exactly that, so I packed up and went home.

Now, whenever I see something cute, I want to tell my significant other, Arithmetic Logic Unit, “Honey, I want a *blank*, get me one!” Examples; baby goats, puffer fish, kittens, all that cute fluffy stuff I want so much. (fuck you, puffer fish are cute and fluffy.) So when I came back from the party, I almost did it again.

“Honey! I want a chi… chi… chinchilla?”

Hell no, no fucking kids. No way. I think children are like petting zoo animals. They’re super cute to look at for brief periods at a time, and feed and watch them frolic around. Then you get this really stupid idea that it would be a good idea to bring one home. Then you do, it shits on your carpet, eats your curtains and whines and whines and whines until you feed the damn thing or bring it to the vet and… euh…

AT ANY RATE, that’s how I imagine having a kid is.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Cuttlefish

So, hi.

Not too sure how to introduce myself formally, but I’m a new member to the Combustion Moose team, known as Cuttlefish. Yeah, those things actually exist for those of you currently opening a tab in your browser for the sake of discovering why the hell I chose Cuttlefish as a name. Besides the fact they’re freaking adorable, the name sounds amazing. It’s a cuddly fish. But it’s not a fish, and it’s sure as hell not cuddly.

Regardless, I decided to make my first post about how much I hate women. (I’m about to be drop kicked by a hoard of angry feminists.) Don’t get me wrong, I hate people in general, but I really, really don’t like women. I can say this seeing as I am a woman.

(Yeah, freak the fuck out, girls can do more than make sandwiches. Look, I can type! Goodie-fucking-gumdrops.)

I’ll have you know I can’t make sandwiches, let alone cook. I’ll also have you know that reasons like the above will be how I justify not liking females.

Let’s go back in time a bit shall we?

Once upon a time… Women had no rights. GASP, NO WAY. Yes. They actually had no, if not very limited rights and were generally undermined in every way possible. So they spoke out, they began to protest being discriminated against due to sex, began striving to succeed and work and go to school and be equal with our male counterparts. We wanted to show that we were just as good as you men!

So we were given what we wanted, and what do we do with this?

“OOHHHHH MY GOD! I WANT TO SUCK EDWARD’S DICK!” “NO WAY I’M TOTALLY INTO JACOB!”
^ what the fuck.

There are disasters, calamities and injustices happening around the world, problems that simply must be addressed urgently, but no, here’s our young female minds at work, torn between sucking off a sparkling vampire and a wolf.

I’m generalizing here a little bit and for those of you who have their heads in their asses, I’m using Twilight as a prime example of women hindering their own progress on gaining equal rights. Here is a series that sounds like some sex-deprived fourteen year old’s fanflic, and it takes the nation by storm. The main idea of the story? Women, get the fuck back in the kitchen, you’re nothing without men. Bravo ladies, bravo.

There’s more though. Years ago women fought for an education, fought to work at jobs they weren't allowed to be in, wanted to be treated with respect. When we’re given all this, what do we do? Dress up like whores, act like total fucking bimbos for attention, fail at school because we’re too busy getting wasted at your BFFL’s major-ultra-special-party… whatever, the more I list, the more I lose faith.

So you know what? I will throw around sexist jokes, I will even ACCEPT people making remarks like that towards me, just because of how hypocritical it would be to say “STOP BEING SEXIST” when we have conformed into these poor little dependable creatures who would rather flaunt their tits around the world than, ya know, pick up a good book, play a video game, actually, god forbid, get a fucking education. Too much to ask?

Part of me wants to say I’m proud of myself and the other women who strive for success and haven’t yet educed themselves to the walking wastes of oxygen I have to tolerate on a daily basis, but most of me cries for the gender as a whole. So, go on ahead and tell me to get back in the kitchen. Fuck, with the current state we’re in, I don’t think we should be allowed to leave the kitchen until we realize our potential and what we could do with it.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go learn to make sandwiches.

(Bandit's comment: Rule 29 on Cuttlefish)

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE