Measurement and me.

When I was a kid my dad taught me how to measure lame posts by holding my arm out at a 45 degree angle, lining myself up so I pointed at the top, then counting my steps as I walked towards it.

EXTREME LAMP POST

Apparently the amount of steps is the approximate height of the lamp post in feet. I thought he wanted me to become a professional height guesserer. 

EXTREME HEIGHT

Problem was, my new skill didn't make me become a height guesserer. It just made me wonder what the Nazi's were measuring.

Bandit 

COMBUSTION COMPLETE 

Kony 2012: Are you in?

It takes power to be able to move the hearts of millions with a single video. If you haven't already, watch it.

Nobody can disagree with injustice. No crime is greater than stealing a child's innocence. So to unite against this cause is more than just the right thing to do, not contributing would be wrong. Inaction is a choice.

But will painting the night with Kony's name really help? I know intentions are good, and everyone involved cares about the cause, but what will it do?

The U.S. has committed 100 army personnel to aid the Ugandan effort, apparently to advise the Ugandans on how to track Kony through the jungle. Sending Americans who live in the forests of North America over to Uganda to advise people who've lived in the environmental all their lives seems counter productive. 

At least it's something. 

I can see this becoming commercialized, something to push yogurts or paint supplies to the public under the guise of "The cause". 

However, power comes from an idea. An idea shared, through various mediums, between regular people. It's not the rich that hold the real power, it's us. In numbers, we are capable of unimaginable change. All it takes is a million voices, yours and mine, to demand what's right. 

So, in light of the possibilities, I think we need to fight for something. I don't think it's a starter kit or a monthly donation that's going to get this done. I think it's action. If painting the streets of Montreal with Kony's name is what we've decided on, so be it. 

I'm in. 

Bandit 

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Everyone likes flowers

Everyone like flowers, right.

We all want to live in a world where we get to see flowers dancing. We like the flowers to have smiley faces too. You know like swaying back and forth singing a song, probably about loving flowers.

Flowers flowers we love flowers

Well fuck me sideways, we love singing flowers so much that the government uses the singing flowers method to caste things over our eyes. 

But the problems not the that singing flowers hide anything, it's that we know that they're using it to hide shit. This is where it gets fucking insane, because you'd think that, once we knew there was something big and bad behind the singing flowers, that we might try to do something about it. 

Humans, however, are perfectly content with knowing something is wrong and not doing anything, blaming it on the hypnotic rhythm of the singing flowers. 

Comfortably numb

It's easier, much easier to be comfortably numb. If your not a conjurer of cheap tricks, and just a bystander, you cannot have committed an evil. If you watch someone get beaten to death by police officers because of their skin color, then you haven't hurt anyone. If you are witness to a rape, you haven't done anything wrong. 

There's a story I'll always remember from a class I had in the past. There was a woman in New York city that was raped and murdered in front of an apartment building, in which ever resident heard her screaming. Only one called the police, and only after the incident was over. 

We are blind, but only because we refuse to see. 

Bandit

COMBUSTION MOOSE

March Happened

The worst thing about the start of a new month is that it means girls are gonna get their periods all over again. 

Anyway

So what does March have in store for us. I hope it heats up cause I'm getting tired of all this cold and snow. Fuck Canada. 

World Unfair!!

So now March has gone and happened, and commercials in North America haven't got any better. So what can I do other than write a review. Total Rhyme guys. 

But no, Combustion Moose is more creative than this. The written word is so last century. We need pictures and color and sparkles and awesome. So Filming, yes filming, is what we must use to fill in the time that winter takes away from us. Until the basement gets flooded of course. 

Speaking of filming, I'm sure you've all seen this video.

I think this song is a masterpiece, and I can't quite figure out whether the cover above or the original is better. The weird instruments they use plus the emotion of the song itself is beautiful. Plus, somebody that I used to know is the perfect description for a break up. 

So many people become "people that we used to know". It's actually weird thinking back to when you did know them. Like a strange echo of a memory that you accept, but at the same time you feel differently towards than you did at that moment. It's the memory of knowing a stranger. 

Knowing a stranger. I kind of like that. I know which song I'm writing next. 

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Timeline's fucked

Holy shit I pressed the timeline button on my computer and instantly the neatly organized rows of FB things got all distorted and now I have no idea what's going on!

Teehee it's a lego timeline

It was like that motherfucker was just waiting for me to click. It's been there for a few days watching me. Trying to lure the little arrow into curiously hovering over it, beckoning my attention like the little slut of an icon it is. 

Well, was, cause I have timeline now.

But you know what. 

What?

Timeline actually looks pretty good. It's well designed compared to the BS Facebook gave me before. 

So I guess the moral of the post is that, don't judge a book by it's instantaneous takeover of your Facebook profile. Cause it might just look better than the shitty design that was there before. 

:)

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

 

The Traumatizing "Machine Gun" Sneeze

3) The Traumatizing "Machine Gun" Sneeze

Someone once said to me that if you sneeze more than twice in a row that your head would explode. Being six at the time, I believed it.

Growing up, the fact that most of the things you believe are actually just cruel lies, put in place so that your parents can make fun of you, becomes more apparent. The sneeze thing was one of them.

Yesterday I was doing some photography, taking pictures n' stuff, when I heard the sound of an AK-47 firing off in the distance.

This...
THis is an AK-47

I thought 'WTF WAS THAT' and bucked it into the nearest bush, looking out to see if there were terrorists around (always suspect terrorism). All I saw was an old woman walking by. She was about yay high, and walked at about 3 km/h (metric!)

If she hadn't sneezed again I would never have known. But suddenly her face scrunched up, her spine bend backwards and she let out a sneeze like a gun shot. Again, again. They wouldn't fucking stop.

It was fucked up, k.

Anyway I was still in Cock of Duty mode so I hoping my health would regen before she reloaded. I was too far to knife so I spammed the grenade button. I was all out so I was like fuck fuck.

She reloaded too quick. That sleight of hand. So the game ended and the enemy team won.

I got a bit XP though, I can create my own class now.

Fucking Cock of Duty.

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Netflix is going somewhere

This is a quick Combustion from Bandit.

Speed Racer *duh duh*

I was just flixing (that's right flixing) through Newflix (hence the flixing) and I saw that Family Guy and Futurama are on there now.

F-yeh!

Which means slowly but surely Netflix in Canada is going out of the dark ages. 

Plague

And bikini reviews are coming soon! Not to Netflix though just to Combustion Moose. 

I chose this image cause of the little images on the side.
I think they're there to prove that it's a bikini.  

Bandit

COMBUSTION MOOSE

Haiku

The moose is alight

The sky will turn pale and bright

Agony heals us

Deep

Bandit

COMBUSTION MOOSE

A journey to the center of the Internet…

For a while I've been told stories about the deep web, a place SO OBSCURE, not even a search engine like Google would dare touch. Being the brave adventurer than I am, I set out to find the most awe-inspiring  websites imaginable.

First on the list is a site dedicated to a sport so utterly unpredictable that only the Japanese would dare participate, let-alone film it for the purpose of entertainment. http://www.japanesebugfights.com/

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with : Japanese Bug Fights

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with :
Japanese Bug Fights; Bandit Bug Fight reviews to come

RULES OF JAPANESE BUG FIGHTS
1. Two Bugs to a fight
2. Bug fights go on as long as they have to
3. No outside weapons in Bug Fights


Next up is a treat for all you Fallout 3 fans. Those of you who have played the game will surely remember the infamous Tunnel Snakes Gang from the early-game vault. Well, as it turns out, someone decided to dedicate both a video AND a website to this group of rebellious individuals, and the result is FUCKING MIND NUMBING. One does not simply listen to the entrancing song once… No, this is something that will lurk in your thoughts for years to come. http://www.tunnelsnakes.com/

The legendary tunnel snakes performing their anthem… 

Before I let you wander to this last video, I feel I must warn you that this is not a place for the faint-hearted. This last website is a series of videos that depict one of the single worst human beings on the face of the Earth. In 2009, a man (known only as the YPPM) decided to venture forth into a series of public restrooms to perform inconceivable acts of cruelty to his surroundings and upload his achievements to YouTube where they were promptly removed; but not before being salvaged by THIS WEBSITE. http://yppm.removed.us/

The YPPM preparing to strike his prey…

Sparc (Spontaneous Post Attributed to Random Characters)
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Cowpuns

You BUTTER not SKIM through this.

So the other day, I’m going though facebook in an attempt to find giggle worthy things and I stumbled across this on a friend’s wall:

WTF is this and what's it doing on my blog

I think it was the sheer absurdity that threw me off, and I started just by commenting “mad cow?” as a double entendre. Let’s not get insulted people; you thought it too. But I couldn’t stop there. I love puns. I especially love bad puns that make people shudder.

So I began my assault.

Was she arrested for Bull-ying?

This picture is udderly ridiculous.

I don’t know what she did to get arrested, but the steaks must have been high.

Maybe I’m milking this joke too much.

I butter not over do it.

But it’s just so amoosing.

Sigh. Mooving along.

One quick commentary before we move on. Not entirely sure if woman or man. My bad if I called it wrong.

Futurama... Bitch

At any rate, all this led me to wonder, is there somewhere I could find more cow puns? I mean this is the Internet, so I wouldn’t have been too surprised if there was a few places, so I gave it a shot. (I want you to know I’ve spent two days bed ridden with a lung infection. If you’re wasting your time searching the internet for cow puns without a reason up to par with that, go play traffic tag. Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection; The Game.)

This was an incredibly perplexing search, because I found SITES dedicated to cow puns.

Yeah I’m serious. Forums where the main topic was cow puns. (WHHHAAA?)

Does this not astonish anyone? Am I over reacting here?

I looked this up because I had seen a hefty black woman in a cow suit in jail and wanted to make stupid comments under a picture. Am I to assume that everyone was looking at that same picture when they were making those forums and sites? That would be horribly coincidental and really creepy, for one. Or maybe, this is some really popular screen capture of some furry porn from god-knows-where-the-fuck that apparently the whole internet knows about and I was the last to get on board. (Eeeeyshh…) How would you open a porn scene like that? …

…

…

…

Got milk? (Someone’s gonna sue me.)

It would make it more understandable, but without any reason, I’m getting that people just sit around thinking of fucking cow puns. I’ve heard of people doing stupid shit, but this? COW PUNS? Dedicating an ENTIRE site to COW JOKES? Does anyone here grasp how long it takes to make a website?! And then you waste hours of coding, writing and graphic design to PUBLISH shitty COW puns!? This isn’t just puns people. These are SPECIFICALLY cow puns.

You know what got to me the most though? What really ticked me off? I’m not like those people who waste their time making these sites or LOOKING THEM UP to use the puns.

No.

No I thought of my puns, you lazy fucks. I actually thought of my OWN cow puns before looking to embellish my posts with other people’s COW PUNS that I DIDN’T EVEN COME UP WITH. You’re not even thinking at that point. You’re copy-pasting COW PUNS. IN FACT, YOU’RE PLAGIARIZING COW PUNS. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME

ON YOU ALL!

Cuttlefish

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Monkey prostitution: Proof that paying for sex is natural

I find it fucking scary that economics and advertising go hand in hand with psychology. Big-shot business men hire advertisement firms, not to show that their product is actually the best, but to trick us into thinking it is. Now, If that's not some kind of brainwashing scheme, I don't know what is.

If you ask anyone they'll say, "Advertising doesn't work on me, but it works on everyone else." And that's the point. Advertising totally works on me, I just don't think it does. And now, they've taught monkey's to use money and my bet is that eventually there going to try crazy advertising techniques on them that they can't use on humans. 

Anyway what I really want to talk about is this article that I was send from Redit. 

Monkey money

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/05/magazine/05FREAK.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5090&en=af2d9755a2c32ba8&ex=1275624000&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&adxnnlx=1118160068-1EGJuan4FJH1LooxHYd5%2Fg

It's one of those links with a massive code on the end. Fucking archives. 

The article explains an experiment conducted by some economists on Monkeys. Over the course of a few months they managed to teach the monkeys how to use little silver disks as currency. Then, they tested different gambling games, different techniques of sharing and mutual aid etc. to understand how monkeys would react to money. 

As it turns out, Monkeys never save their money, they don't share their money, and they will try to steal it if they can. 

Sounds a lot like people, before society gets involved. 

Something fucking hilarious in the article that speaks a lot to human behavior too is that, in one instance, another monkey actually paid for sex. 

He probably saw the other money hanging from a tree, a little too made up to be spending a quite night in the branches. I'm guessing he slide onto the branch beside her and pulled down the leaf asking, "Hey, you want a banana?"

Then Nature took it's course. 

"This is all you get with one disk."

Once it happened the first time, the lab didn't want the reputation of the Monkey Whore House, so they stopped such rude behavior "to ensure that future monkey sex at Yale occurs as nature intended it."

But that got me thinking. How can we say that our intervention makes things happened in some other way than nature intended. We are are spawned from nature and apart of it. Humans seem to think that what they do is somehow different to what nature wants.

We cry about global warming and destroying the planet. But we're not destroying the planet, we're destroying the environment that allows US to live.

So when monkeys learn to use money and they pay for sex, maybe that's just how it goes. Maybe sex and food are our two main focuses, and whatever way we can get them, we will. That goes for all animals, and when moneys added into the equation, they'll use this new means to fuck.

My point being, people should stop judging me when I pay for sex.

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

BACON

Doctor, take me to the E.R. stat,
For I've caught a love of bacon fat.
Make my stomach fit another slice,
Cause if you don't, I'll jump, Ka-splat.

Bacon

bacon

The Fruits of the Internet. He-man and Fox Flute

K. So the internet has some fucked up things, some boring things, some funny things, some scary things and some things you wish you could unsee. 

Today I went to a friends house, we bought candy with 1098 pennies, then she showed me this video: 

Well, actually it wasn't this one, but it was pretty much the same thing. It's fucking hilarious. Whoever made it is a genius. 

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

*****

Have you ever found yourself, strolling about the Internet, only to stumble upon something so magnificently odd, that you can’t help but question WHAT THE FUCK you were doing to navigate to such a page? 

Recently I stumbled upon such a video, yet for some ungodly reason, it drew me in and made me listen to it over and over again. As the construed awe began to fade, a sense of wonder was instilled. I began chanting, singing, SCREAMING until the song was the only thing to cross my thoughts at any moment of every day.

This video is a drug. I need a daily dose for happiness, the world has lost its meaning and without it everything else in the world becomes worthless until I hear that chant at the end.

Instant messaging is given a new meaning. Cooking is given new life. ECSTASY CAN BE ACHIEVED. All you need is some HEEEEEEEYYYEEEYEYEEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEEE HEYEEEYEYEYEYEEEEYE. I SAIIIIIII….

Sparc (Spontaneous post attributed to random character)
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

YOU ALL SUPPORT CHILD PORN

Hey guy, YOU ALL LIKE CHILD PORN!

So I’m about to bitch more than I’ve ever bitched before, but this good friends and readers, is something that really, REALLY pissed me off.

The Government saw the citizens were enraged by SOPA, PIPA, ACTA, C-11, whatever the fuck they dished out at us expecting us to swallow and accept. These broad, poorly formulated laws threatened to destroy the Internet as we know it, and completely disregarded our rights, Freedom and Privacy.

So, what do they decide to do? Do they agree to stop fucking around in Parliament and the White House and whatever else freaking location they’re clearly too busy blowing each other in? Do they decide to finally PROPERLY represent the voice of their people who elected them to run their respective countries?

Yeah you fucking wish.

Apparently, in the government’s sorry-ass attempt to protect us from ourselves, they come up with a new law that essentially does the same fucking thing as SOPA and pals. But, what are they doing to pass this one, and counter the public outcry the other bills were greeted with?

“If you don’t support this law, you support child porn!”

^ for those of you naïve fucks who actually agree with this, get the fuck off this page. In fact, get off the Internet. (Seriously, how did you even navigate this far?)

For those of you who have realized what they’re trying to do, good job, here’s a cookie. Yes, those stupid sacks of shit who probably can’t even operate MS Paint are basically saying that if you don’t agree with this bill, you’re support child porn. Let’s go over the basic “innovations” this law has to offer, shall we?

1) REQUIRE Internet servers to give ANY information the cops want whenever they want, without a warrant. I mean your names, IP address, phone number. Did I mention WITHOUT a warrant?

2) Create a backdoor system to allow the cops to easily access the information on the internet. Jolly good.

3) Now this is the best, and I’m going to quote the EXACT wording from the article I read this bullshit on just to make sure this gets across VERY CLEAR. “Allow police to get warrants to obtain information transmitted over the internet and data related to its transmission, including locations of individuals and transactions.” (yeah, better keep those sexy nudes you were going to send to your boss with your business proposal out of your email, cuz they gonna look right on through them.)

4) Basically grants permission to courts to compel with other parties to conserve any electronic evidence.

So, I have a message, oh wonderful and powerful government, FUCK YOU.

Let me tell you what’s wrong with this.

#1, Every hear of a proxy, r-tards?

Somehow, these assholes are trying to argue that their new wonder-law is going to take those child porn-makers off the Internet and be big heroes. Yeah, no. Not going to happen. This is a clear indication that these guys probably don’t even know how to turn their computer on. This law isn’t going to STOP these guys. They’re going to find a way around it! Don’t they learn? Look at drugs. Yeah, woohoo they’re illegal! I can
walk around in any city for less than 10 minutes and probably get my hands on anything I want from ground up unicorn shit laced with LCD to heroine. In terms of the internet, this is simply called a PROXY, and while these dickheads are jacking off to celebrate their success, the child porn makers are going to come around from behind and surprise buttsex them.

#2, It’s a complete and total violation of our basic privacy rights!

Seriously, what right do these dicks have to intervene on our lives, regardless if we are law-abiding citizens? Are we to assume the government thinks we’re ALL criminals? I’m sorry, regardless of whether or not I have anything to hide, I’m not going to enjoy someone going through all my emails with nothing to justify why they’re doing it! This legislation can so easily be abused, with no repercussions for those misusing it. This very tool can be used to limit freedom of speech and the circulation of ideas that the government does not support, and this WILL be abused. Don’t believe me? Think of PEPPER SPRAY, and tasers. We give the boys at a station a new pew-pew toy and the next thing you know they’re firing it around like it’s confetti on New Years and justifying it with completely ridiculous claims. “Well sir, the use of the taser was warranted, the man, who we had restrained with 6 gun barrels partially up his arse was a threat.” Unless there is a platform introduced that there are repercussions for misusing the system, no law should EVER be passed of this nature. Where the hell is the goddamn democracy?

#3, This bill is being sent out to support a policy that hasn’t even been created.

Remember what I JUST said about misusing it? These legislations would be put in place before a policy to use them on is even on the table! So what would they use their newfound power to do? Good?

Again, you fucking wish. We’re talking about the Government here, remember?

#4, This pretty much is dismantling democracy.

Think about what‘s going on here. This is our government trying to keep tabs on the people that they trust the least, the real scumbags. Who are they? Oh, you know, just the people who elected you jerks. (At this time I’d like to say, FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVE VOTERS. Hope you’re happy now.) Slowly using masks like child porn, terrorism, and anything else you can do that’s shitty, the government is just making it nice and easy to slip into your house and say, “we’re only here to protect you” as they pretty much watch you shower. But goodness, they’re just trying to do good. They’re protecting us from ourselves! Do you also realize how fascist this is? Yeah. Let’s take away the rights of citizens, and give them to corporations. Look around if you see I’m being extreme. Do a little research, it’ll do you some good.

#5 Their argument.

“If you don’t support us, you support child porn.”

Well what the fuck is that supposed to be? They may as well say, “If you don’t help us pass this law that violates your privacy and lets us abuse our power more than we already do, we’re going to line up cute, fuzzy kittens in front of your door and systematically shoot them until you agree with what we say. That makes YOU a bad person.”

Wait, WHAT? The government blackmailing? They’d never do that!

Hey Vic Toews, Mr. Big Shot Public Safety Minister, I have a present for you too. FUCK YOU.

Cowards. You hide behind CHILD PORN to pass a law? Damn, how low has the Gov. sunk? (don’t answer that, I don’t want an answer. Really.)

So you know what I have to say to sum this all up?

I guess since I don’t like the Government completely destroying our democracy, since I don’t like the idea of police going through my personal stuff without any warrant, and since this is about as successful as SOPA and PIPA and all the other piece of shit laws that failed…

I GUESS I SUPPORT CHILD PORN.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Tablets

What do you write on, Combustionites? A home computer? A laptop? Some fancy overpriced Mac?


I write on a Android Tablet. Just about all of my articles were done on it. I imagine it would be hard to just write so much on a touchscreen, but this tablet, isn't any ordinary tablet.

The ASUS Eee Transformer Pad

Now, the ASUS Eee tablet alone goes for around $400. That's already a pretty good price for a tablet. It's a pretty regular tablet too. I actually think it's better than the Motorola Xoom I used to own, that went for around $700. I believe it goes for $500 now.

However, what makes the transformer special, is the keyboard attachment. It goes for around $120.
It sounds expensive, yes. but not when you consider that it actually comes with a built in battery that charges your tablet, that almost doubles battery life. So I'm thinking, around 12-14 hours.

And that's pretty incredible for a portable device. It also has a SD memory card slot and 2 USB ports.

All of these come together to bring you a professional, yet fun portable experience.

If you've ever wanted a tablet, then I'd easily recommend this.


Axl4002
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Bacon

BACON

Bacon

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Syncro Stranger Singsong

Today something amazing happened to me.

It was one of those things that, afterwards, made me feel like I was really connected to the world. You know that feeling of disconnected connectedness, as if suddenly your soul has left your body and has become apart of everything. Like the feeling after an epiphany.

I was driving along, just leaving the scene of a story I had been working on. Chom Rock was the radio station I was listening to over the slow rumble of my car's dying engine. Advertisements gurgled and twittered, barely irritating my ear drum as my thoughts pushed back the sound waves and made them apart of the ambiance. They sounded like voices in a dream, inaudible but unarguably there.

Soon the songs came on and "Come Together" by the Beatles began to play. Here come ol' flat top began to burrow it's way into my mind and I enjoyed it. The vibrations were less harsh than the preceding commercials and soon I was mouthing the words.

I came to a turn and stopped, as best I could with the ice, at the appropriate point to obey the traffic laws. Slightly after I had slid into place another car came to a halt on the road perpendicular to my own. The other car was a dirty brown and didn't look much better than mine. It's driver was a bit shaggy, with a beard and longish unattended hair.

On the radio the chorus was coming up. I was still humming the words and thought nothing of the stranger at the stop sign. But as I turned, for some reason I took another glance at the other driver and what I saw made me feel like part of everything. As he turned he mouthed the words, "Right now, over me" as they played on my radio.

He was listening to the same station as me, and he could here the same sound that I could. It's not amazing, but I'd not expected the influence of the radio station to be so obvious at that moment.

In my car I always felt like I was in my own little world, but once I'd completed my turn I was part of something bigger. I was a single cog in the world machine, one ant in the swarm. Everything I did suddenly seemed both of dire importance and of no consequence. Like all my actions were microscopic, but worked towards a much greater goal.

The rest of my drive seemed like a dream and once I got back to work, I began writing.

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Thing 2

Maybe I should make a regular post as well.

Alright, let's give this a try.

Greetings readers. I am Axl4002. The numbers are used more as a serial code though, so just call me Axl.

It's a little late for introductions, but better late than dead, I always say!

The saying has yet to catch on.

So, I write things here and there, mostly about game, since that's my main interest beyond anything else.

I'll also get around to doing some Anime here and there though.

I do PC and PS3 games, and I'll also do PS Vita once I can get my hands on it, which will hopefully be, next month.

And of course, like any bloke on the Internet, I'll write about some classic games as well.

I do not have a system as to which games I write about. I just randomly think about ones, or just write about the current ones I'm playing.

Is that it? That may be it.

Alright then, until next time.

-Axl4002

2) The Obnoxious "I'm a Sneeze... Bitch" Sneeze

2) The Obnoxious "I'm a Sneeze... Bitch" Sneeze

This sneeze is a little less common than the "Motion picture drawn out tension" sneeze, but still will probably have been sighted by most of you. 

This is the first image that comes up if you type I'm a Sneeze...
Bitch into google images

During the execution of this sneeze the sneezeee (again, like employee) lets out his outburst of orgasmic goodness and makes the sound Ah-Choo. Like, they pretty much yell Ah-Choo. It's really fucking strange cause most of the time it doesn't even sound like they're sneezing, it just sounds like there being an attention whoring D-bag that wants everyone to bless them. Obnoxious prick.

But, there is also an alternative way to interpret the "I'm a sneeze... bitch" sneeze, if the person spends a slightly longer time on the "Ah" than he would on a regular sneeze. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Sometimes, Obnoxious Sneezers, sound less like there sneezing and more like there powering up a volatile energy that can hardly be held within the constrains of their own body that they may unleash it on an unsuspecting (well never suspecting because he's fucking yelling) foe/evil doer. Like in Dragon Ball Z. 

So next time you here the obnoxious "ahhh" of the D-Bag sneeze, don't start exercising your vocal chords in preparation for a bless you. GTFD (Get the fuck down) cause you might have more than mucus headed your way. You might just get Kamehameha'd.

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

The Cutest Little Girl Ever. EVER.

So I’m not going to lie, the most common thing you’ll ever hear me say is how much I don’t like kids. It’s weird, because I always take jobs that surround me with the little mites, but there’s something bizarre that attracts me to them at the same time. I’m not a pedophile, firstly. What I mean by that is that something about being near something that pisses you off so much has a certain… attraction that makes you do it. Regardless, one of the jobs I work is at a reptile zoo, and I bring reptiles to parties and give the audience a whole buncha information that no one really gives a fuck about, and let them touch all the critters. No one gives a fuck about what I’m saying, they just want to poke at the snake’s eyes or pull on an unfortunate lizard’s tail. At any rate, I try to engage the audience and try to force them to learn something. Although it’s about as successful as teaching a horse to figure skate.

So on this particular day, I start asking kids; “Well, what makes a FROG different than a REPTILE? What kind of animal is a FROG?” One stupid looking kid puts his hands up.

“IT’S A FROG, MISSUS.” With this grin across his idiotic face.

“Close.” I said, secretly wanting to tell him, “No, you inbred fuckface.” Another kid raises his hand.

“IT’S A GREEN FROG!” At this point I didn’t even remember the question, because kid after kid just named off different color frogs. I had to stop this before I punted one of these little dipshits across the room.

“All right,” I sighed, “everyone who is going to just name another type of frog, please put your hand down.” All of their hands went down. Minus one little blond girl with big blue eyes and pigtails. Reluctantly, I nodded at her to proceed.

“A frog, is d-d-different, because it is ANFIBUROUS.” The cuteness level was immeasurable. I stood there, in front of the room, with my mouth gaped open in awe of the cutest little girl I have ever laid eyes on. I didn’t give a shit if it was “amphibious”, I wanted to take the little girl, bring her home with me and just make her say ANFIBUROUS over and over again while I giggle-snorted the day away. But as we all know, there are many laws that prohibit us from doing exactly that, so I packed up and went home.

Now, whenever I see something cute, I want to tell my significant other, Arithmetic Logic Unit, “Honey, I want a *blank*, get me one!” Examples; baby goats, puffer fish, kittens, all that cute fluffy stuff I want so much. (fuck you, puffer fish are cute and fluffy.) So when I came back from the party, I almost did it again.

“Honey! I want a chi… chi… chinchilla?”

Hell no, no fucking kids. No way. I think children are like petting zoo animals. They’re super cute to look at for brief periods at a time, and feed and watch them frolic around. Then you get this really stupid idea that it would be a good idea to bring one home. Then you do, it shits on your carpet, eats your curtains and whines and whines and whines until you feed the damn thing or bring it to the vet and… euh…

AT ANY RATE, that’s how I imagine having a kid is.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE