2) The Obnoxious "I'm a Sneeze... Bitch" Sneeze

2) The Obnoxious "I'm a Sneeze... Bitch" Sneeze

This sneeze is a little less common than the "Motion picture drawn out tension" sneeze, but still will probably have been sighted by most of you. 

This is the first image that comes up if you type I'm a Sneeze...
Bitch into google images

During the execution of this sneeze the sneezeee (again, like employee) lets out his outburst of orgasmic goodness and makes the sound Ah-Choo. Like, they pretty much yell Ah-Choo. It's really fucking strange cause most of the time it doesn't even sound like they're sneezing, it just sounds like there being an attention whoring D-bag that wants everyone to bless them. Obnoxious prick.

But, there is also an alternative way to interpret the "I'm a sneeze... bitch" sneeze, if the person spends a slightly longer time on the "Ah" than he would on a regular sneeze. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Sometimes, Obnoxious Sneezers, sound less like there sneezing and more like there powering up a volatile energy that can hardly be held within the constrains of their own body that they may unleash it on an unsuspecting (well never suspecting because he's fucking yelling) foe/evil doer. Like in Dragon Ball Z. 

So next time you here the obnoxious "ahhh" of the D-Bag sneeze, don't start exercising your vocal chords in preparation for a bless you. GTFD (Get the fuck down) cause you might have more than mucus headed your way. You might just get Kamehameha'd.

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

The Cutest Little Girl Ever. EVER.

So I’m not going to lie, the most common thing you’ll ever hear me say is how much I don’t like kids. It’s weird, because I always take jobs that surround me with the little mites, but there’s something bizarre that attracts me to them at the same time. I’m not a pedophile, firstly. What I mean by that is that something about being near something that pisses you off so much has a certain… attraction that makes you do it. Regardless, one of the jobs I work is at a reptile zoo, and I bring reptiles to parties and give the audience a whole buncha information that no one really gives a fuck about, and let them touch all the critters. No one gives a fuck about what I’m saying, they just want to poke at the snake’s eyes or pull on an unfortunate lizard’s tail. At any rate, I try to engage the audience and try to force them to learn something. Although it’s about as successful as teaching a horse to figure skate.

So on this particular day, I start asking kids; “Well, what makes a FROG different than a REPTILE? What kind of animal is a FROG?” One stupid looking kid puts his hands up.

“IT’S A FROG, MISSUS.” With this grin across his idiotic face.

“Close.” I said, secretly wanting to tell him, “No, you inbred fuckface.” Another kid raises his hand.

“IT’S A GREEN FROG!” At this point I didn’t even remember the question, because kid after kid just named off different color frogs. I had to stop this before I punted one of these little dipshits across the room.

“All right,” I sighed, “everyone who is going to just name another type of frog, please put your hand down.” All of their hands went down. Minus one little blond girl with big blue eyes and pigtails. Reluctantly, I nodded at her to proceed.

“A frog, is d-d-different, because it is ANFIBUROUS.” The cuteness level was immeasurable. I stood there, in front of the room, with my mouth gaped open in awe of the cutest little girl I have ever laid eyes on. I didn’t give a shit if it was “amphibious”, I wanted to take the little girl, bring her home with me and just make her say ANFIBUROUS over and over again while I giggle-snorted the day away. But as we all know, there are many laws that prohibit us from doing exactly that, so I packed up and went home.

Now, whenever I see something cute, I want to tell my significant other, Arithmetic Logic Unit, “Honey, I want a *blank*, get me one!” Examples; baby goats, puffer fish, kittens, all that cute fluffy stuff I want so much. (fuck you, puffer fish are cute and fluffy.) So when I came back from the party, I almost did it again.

“Honey! I want a chi… chi… chinchilla?”

Hell no, no fucking kids. No way. I think children are like petting zoo animals. They’re super cute to look at for brief periods at a time, and feed and watch them frolic around. Then you get this really stupid idea that it would be a good idea to bring one home. Then you do, it shits on your carpet, eats your curtains and whines and whines and whines until you feed the damn thing or bring it to the vet and… euh…

AT ANY RATE, that’s how I imagine having a kid is.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

The wonders of the Internets

What never ceases to amaze me is the ability of humans to project themselves through other sources. What I mean by this is that we are able to extend our being beyond the limitations of our own body. We draw pictures, create symbols and share our idea's through ... I dunno ... internet blogz.

But something insane about this ability is the fact that through to internet we are capable of creating idea based equivalents of countries. I mean take /b/ for example:

WTF

I don't know whether I can really describe it as sophisticated, but /b/ is definitively a nation of its own. Only instead of land, it's territory is cyber space.

The community of /b/ band together, declare war and fuck around with the web space of the White House and Scientology. They declare war and often have a collective goal which they often achieve.

But, physically none of these people are together. They exist as a collective body of ideas and messages, but physically they have no nation.

But that in itself shows that we are beginning to operate on two wave lengths. The cyber and the physical. 

and I can't remember where I was going with this cause League distracted me. 

Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Fail Much

Tomorrow I have to go see my band so that we can listen to our performance. Last week we took part in a Battle of the Bands.

So?


Well we played fucking terribly, at least I did, but I actually can't wait to listen to it. It's gonna be like one of those movies where everyone's just playing their shit then the douche bag lead guitarist just does whatever he wants.

I've got over the initial lose and now it just seems hilarious.

Wonder what the rest of the bands gonna say.

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

PlayStation Vita

Gamers !

The time is almost upon us.

I am, of course, talking about the new handheld that is heading our way in less than 2 weeks. The PlayStation Vita. It has been a long time since I've been this excited for a new handheld. The last time might have been the Nintendo DS.

Bandit: Playstation Vita ... Motherfuka

Sony is once again entering the handheld arena, but can it hold it's own against the Nintendo 3DS?

The quick answer, yes. Yes it can.

You may all disagree with me, but so far, the 3DS has been rather lacking. From its lame, only sometimes working 3D, to its library of rehashes and to add insult to injury, the plastic and NOT built in second analog nub. Sold separately, of course.

But enough about the losers, let's talk about the soon-to-be winners.

What makes the Vita so special? Well for one, it actually has a semi-impressive list of launch titles. Games like Uncharted: Golden Abyss, Wipeout 2048, Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3, and more.

So that right there is already a very good start.

It also has front and back cameras, touchscreens . . . Front and back. Yes, you read that right, the back of the Vita has a touchscreen. This may or may not be awkward, more on that when I pick one up. A gorgeous 5 inch OLED screen, so that'll be great for people who are practically blind... like me.

There's Built in microphone, wi-fi, bluetooth, and on the more expensive models, 3G. Certain models of the Vita have the option of getting a monthly plan with some company, Verizon or something, I wasn't paying attention. It was a bad one anyway.

The 3G allows you to find players more easily though, play online anywhere, and connect to your PlayStation 3 anywhere and from what I understand, possibly play ANY of yourPlayStation 3 games, on the go.

Now hold on a moment there . . . This might be a really big deal.

The Vita actually has the power to play PlayStation 3 games. It's been proven before by Sony with videos, not just words. They've shown us that IT CAN do it. KillZon3D was played on a Vita. That is just insane.

So far, it hasn't been confirmed if they will implement this feature, and even if ALL the games will work. But if it does, then that is just amazing. You would be paying 249-300 dollars for what is basically, a portable PlayStation 3. And yes, it has a second analog nub built in.

Perfection.

However, this brings up a few issues. If you're on a monthly plan, you'll no doubt have a data plan. If you're streaming PS3 games, how much data is being transferred here? Aren't PS3 games like, 50 gigs or so,  depending on the title? And let's say you're on a wi-fi connection instead. How fast would you need the connection to be? And finally, and I rather think this one is really important. If you stream from your PS3, that means your PS3 has to be on. I for one don't like to have my devices on when I'm not around. A few PC's were lost this way. But let's get over that phobia for a moment. If we lose wi-fi connection or 3G connection when we are away from home, will the PS3 know to close itself? And if it does, then what happens to your game progress? Is it instantly lost?

These are my questions Sony. So far, you don't have the answers, but that's okay. We still have 2 weeks.

But I know what you are thinking. "Damn Axl, this seems too good to be true ! Truly there must be a downside to such a beast of a machine !"

I'm sorry to tell you reader, but yes. There are downsides.

For one, the Vita's battery seems to not last as long as some of us would want. I believe I've heard around 5 hours, which I think isn't too bad, but for others is completely unacceptable.

And then we have the real kicker.

It pains me to say it, but in another "Let's try to stop piracy" thing, Sony is now using custom memory cards for their Vita. Normally, not a problem. However, they made it a problem. The cards come in different sizes, from 4 gigs, to 32 gigs I believe. There might by bigger ones.

The 4 gigs is 20 dollars.

The 8 gigs is 35 dollars.

The 16 gigs is 60 dollars.

The 32 gigs is 100 dollars.

That . . . Is a lot of money for memory cards. They've essentially doubled the price of memory cards. And many games, such as Uncharted, require you to have one. So that is 20 dollars guaranteed that you will spend.

Awkward. This may hurt Sony more than they realize.

But, we'll see how it goes. The Vita's been out for a while in Japan. This system is just too good for me to pass up.

Expect a hands-on review as soon as possible.

-Axl4002

Snatchers

Another game that doesn't get the attention it deserves. It's a little gem made by Hideo Kojima, called Snatcher.

Back in the 1980's, games were not exactly strong on the whole storytelling front. They were usually just mindless action games, with a very basic plot, if any plot at all.

Snatcher is a "Graphic adventure game", which I think is a very fancy way of saying Visual Novel. It's very cyberpunk, and you can easily see that the game was heavily inflluenced by movies like Terminator and Blade Runner. Kojima loves his movies.

The story starts off with some backstory. Turns out half the world's population was wiped out because of, what may be the best name for a virus ever, Lucifer-Alpha which was accidentally released in Russia and wiped out 80% of the Eurasian population.

50 years later after what is now refered to as The Catastrophe, is where the fun starts though. These androids start appearing out of nowhere in "Neo Kobe City". Or Japan.

Why is this an issue ?

Well, they kill you, and they take your place in society completely. They wear your skin, and have all of your memories.

. . . I don't know about you, but that's damn creepy.

But that's where you come in. You play as Gillian Seed, quirky, good looking detective guy. You join J.U.N.K.E.R. HQ, and become their newest "Runner". Your mission is to find out where these SNATCHER bastards came from, and eliminate all of them.

Oh, what does J.U.N.K.E.R. stand for ?
Simple !

Japanese Undercover Neuro Kinetic Elimination Ranger.

See ? Simple ! . . . . But silly.

Now, alone, this whole SNATCHER task may seem a bit hard for you, but that's why you get a partner. And an amazing one at that. You get Metal Gear, MKII. Or, Metal for short. And yes, it's the exact model from Metal Gear Solid 4.

Together, you are the ultimate SNATCHER busting team.

For gameplay, you mostly just have a few options, kind of like a point and click adventure game, except you are constantly in first person view. You mostly just investigate everything in a room, and I do mean everything, before the story continues, or battle ensues.

As for battle system, it's nothing grand. You just get a 3x3 grid, and SNATCHERS appear in random locations. Point and shoot, simple. And if you need some practice, then you even have a shooting range in JUNKER HQ! You may master your shooting there.

Too bad the game doesn't tell you that the game gauges your skill during the shooting range, and changes difficulty accordingly. What that basically means is, if you're a master shooter, the game will be very hard. If you suck, the game will just make it pretty easy. The bad thing about this is, if you do REALLY well, the final battle will be stupidly hard.

Oh Kojima.

All in all, it's a pretty great, and underappreciated game. If you do end up wanting to play it, I'd suggest getting the Sega CD version, since it's the only finished version. The other versions are missing the final chapter, because of time and money constraints.

Either that, or watch a "Let's Play" of it. I personally would recommend Slowbeef's LP of Snatcher.

Until next time readers. And watch out for SNATCHERS !

-Axl4002
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

1) The Classic "Motion picture drawn out tension" Sneeze

Did you know that a sneeze is one-sixteenth orgasm? A friend told me so it might not be true, but I go to bed a little easier believing that there's a possibility of having mini-orgasms in response to the irritation of the respiratory epithelium lining of the nose. Wow, your so smart Bandit.

I realized, using all the powers of critical thought that I have learned from our conformist society, that squeeze is quite a general term.

I see sneezes as being a bit like dogs. This a dog:

Awww 

And so is this.

Fucking Chihuahuas 

Well sneezes are the same. They come in all shapes, sizes, species and sexualities. So over the next few weeks I will compile a detailed list of all the sneezes that exist.

1) The Classic "Motion picture drawn out tension" Sneeze

This is probably one of the most common sneezes, that I would categorize under General (As oppose to Exotic or Sensual). You've all seen it. I know you have.

What ends up happening is the unlucky (or lucky if you believe the orgasm thing) sneezeee (like employee) feels the tingle of little microscopic sneezeabies (there the things that make you sneeze) stampeding through the his/her nasal area.

Side note, this is what a sneezeabie looks like.

Actually starting from the left these are Rabies, yogurt and E.Coli germ plush toys 

The sneezeee, who we will name Phillip, scrunches his nose in irritation as he recoils from the sudden nostrilcular sensation he is feeling. It acts as a kind of warning (or a bizarre mating call) that makes everyone around Phillip aware of their impending doom if they do not gtfo.

It's like one of those bomb scenes where the hero's dive away from the explosion in slow motion.

Like the bomb scenes, the sneeze seems to happen in slow motion. Anyone whose back is turned to Phillip knows, half sneeze, exactly what going on just by everyone's expression. You can hear the oxygen as it's sucked in to Phil's lungs, loading the gun that's about to let loose a torrent of squishy oozing ammunition.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, within line of sight of the sneeze takes a dive to the nearest cover. But of course, three quarters in, there's a small innocent child carelessly wandering in the blast radius. People gasp. Gasp!

Seven eighth of the sneeze is complete and soon the finale is about to splatter the youngster before his time. Sad face. Lucky for the kid our hero, Mr. McNificent, is sheltering himself nearby. He pushes swiftly from behind his barricade, and runs full speed towards Phil. “Noooooo” he screams as he does a superman dive straight towards Phil's mid section.

It's too late, it seems. The Sneeze is about 97% ready to blow which gives him about 0.467 seconds to send it off in a different direction. 98%, he's in mid air in slow motion, 99%, It's coming and his shoulder is finally in contact with Phil's left hip.

100%. The force of the collision sends Phil's sneeze off course as he expels his built up oxygen in sudden jolt of one sixteenth orgasmic goodness that sends glistening conglomerations of mucus towards the sky. Phil falls to the floor. It's over.

The boy runs to his mother, a beautiful obviously single woman who McNificent had been eying for a while. “Thank you,” she sighs, “You saved my son.”

He pushes back his hair. “Don't worry,” he tells her, looking away into the distance, “It was a sneeze.”

Everyone know that sneeze.

Too be continued...


Bandit

COMBUSTION COMPLETE