Pokemon and I

When I was a kid, unlike my Combustion Moose compodres I fucking sucked at video games. I was just complete shit because I couldn't figure them out. But at the time I was completely unaware that I didn't know how to play.

My first true gaming experience that wasn't something like gameboy Lion King or Tetris was the all time favorate Pokemon Red. Yes red, no one played blue. NO ONE!

No one gives a flying fuck about blue

I was very young, that kind of age where you don't actually know how old you are. You did at the time, but in memories you have no clue.

I remember Pokemon being one of the most fun games I'd ever played. Not because of the revolutionary concept of using an Rpg level system with constant character switches (i.e. the pokemon). Nay, my adoration went to infinity and beyond that kind of medial, lowest common denominator enjoyment. Mine was more profound  and existential. 

For instance:

:)

I spent a good 3 to five hours on this screen thinking that it was the game. The start button was a little above my level of intellect at the time, so most of my first experience of Pokemon involved me trying to figure out what order the Pokemon switched in (because the start screen rotates Pokemon).

But, seeing as I couldn't figure out how to start, you can imagine how my memory was.

One day I slipped and shit really went down and I got to name myself and Gary (who I named my name too). Problem is I couldn't read so I didn't really know what was going on. I thought I'd reached level two or something. The strange poke symbols would appear across the bottom in a box, then I would be instructed to press "a".

I even discovered a hidden secret. When you held down the "a" button the words came faster. I think the batteries ran out at some point during the process and I gave up and went somewhere to sit down and hit the ground repeatedly (That was my favorite game at the time). 

Eventually I mustered up the courage to breach the swirling title screen and delve into the scrolling number of level two. I re-typed the names then, I made it. Level 3.

The portrait of Ash suddenly morphed into a distorted miget version of the healthy adolescent boy that had only just been shown on the screen. And I ended up in a room.

Now I explored a bit and I thought the house was the entire game. I thought that nothing existed outside of the upstairs and down stairs. THIS TIME however it was not my fault. 

CONFUSION!
Bandit is confused
*duh* *duh*
 it hurt itself in confusion

Can someone, somewhere please explain to me who the fuck decided that the gray piece of tapestry on the floor constitutes as a fucking door. Most of my time was spent talking to my mom, trying to read what she was saying. I found the fucking potion, but I had no idea what that meant. 

Of course, at that age it wasn't a bad game at all. Actually because of the surprises I thought the game was fucking brilliant. I loved how it incorporated three games into one, allowing me to remember order, press "a" rapidly and talk to mom.  

Just wait till you hear about Professor Oaks parcel. 

To be continued


Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Majora's Mask

Whenever I thought of the Zelda franchise, I remembered all the easy, light-hearted gameplay. The colorful characters, and Link's silly green hat. Overall, a game for kids.

And Zelda II. Which was just evil. But a different kind of evil.

Majora's Mask on the other hand, starts off on a very dark tone. Even the music on the main menu is creepy.

Anyway, the game follows Ocarina of Time. Link is riding on Epona, until he gets hijacked by a kid with a stupid looking mask, and two fairies. So you lose your horse, and your ocarina. You start chasing creep-o the kid, and catch up to him.

And this is where the game takes a turn to even more twisted.

Creep-o slaps a mask on your face that turns you into a SCRUB. A Dekuscrub. This is probably where a lot of kids got traumatized. The animations during the transformations are so twisted and weird, I can't even begin to describe them.

You continue on, trying to understand just what the hell is going on, and then you meet . . . The mask seller.

Oh, dear, god.

This guy might be THE creepiest guy in videogame history. The way he talks, the way he acts, the way he DOESN'T WALK. He just teleports from place to place, he has almost no animations. The guy even strangles Link at some point !

But, let's try to move on . . .

He tells you creep-o the kid stole his uber mask, and he wants it back. He gives you 3 days to do so, and if you help him out, he'll help you out with your scrubbyness.

You leave the clocktower you were in, and "DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY", 72 hours remaining.

Alright, we have time. But I've been in situations like these before in games. The time only moves as you progress through the game, finding core items, and finishing quests. No worries then, we have plenty of time!

Randomly start walking around, trying to figure out what to do. Talking to people, getting attacked by the town dog ( D:< STOP IT MAN) and playing find and seek with some stupid kids. I had finally won the hide and seek game, when it got dark outside.

Awesome, I'm making progress!

Randomly run around some more, find some money, and all in all, being pro. Then, the screen starts shrinking. I started thinking it was a bug or someth-"DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY" 48 hours remaining.

The way that screen just appears . . . Bit creepy. I don't recall doing anything of importance, though. Am I actually progressing through the game without realizing it ?

Night changes to day, and the music is . . . Different. Nice little touches, I guess.

I find a fairy. . . I guess it's a fairy. Doesn't really look like one. Find the cave where I have to put it in, get a silly power-up, talk to a disturbing man in a green suit besides me, And then I notice something weird.

I look upwards and see that the moon is giant. And it has a face. An angry face.............

Nintendo, what? This game is insane.

More time passes, and the screen shrinks again. Why does it keep doi"DAWN OF THE FINAL DAY" 24 hours remaining.

It's not even dawn of the third day, it's FINAL day. What, is the world ending or something ? ;D

The music changes again. And it's psychotic music. Oh, joy. I now also notice the town has changed slightly, and some people are even missing.

You even get random earthquakes for som- OH DEAR GOD THE MOON IS GOING TO CRASH INTO THE EARTH.

NINTENDO, WHAT?

Turns out that time is actually fluid in the game. And I'm running out of it :D

Before I knew it, I game over'd in the best way possible. And that's how my first time with the game went.

I vowed revenge on the game, and only recently did I get it, with Arithmetic logic unit's help. But looking back at the game . . . I can't help but be impressed by it.

Nintendo had actually made a Zelda game that was significantly different from all the others ones, even to this day. It's the most unique Zelda game, ever made. It was dark, creepy, and required precision and time management. It was a breath of fresh air, and it was amazing.

I personally do not know why they remade Ocarina of Time for the 3DS. They should have remade Majora's Mask instead. Maybe then I'd finally have a reason to get a 3DS.

Screw you Nintendo.

Axl4002

COMBUSTION COMPLETE

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Do you think that you can write?!

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Do you enjoy asserting your opinion?!

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Then come and fucking write for Combustion Moose, cause the more combustions I can get the more diverse the site can be. If you have memes I'll fucking post them if they're funny. If you write reviews we need that shit. If you just want to write anything and get it on the web contact me at combustionmoose@gmail.com

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Syncro Stranger Singsong

Today something amazing happened to me.

It was one of those things that, afterwards, made me feel like I was really connected to the world. You know that feeling of disconnected connectedness, as if suddenly your soul has left your body and has become apart of everything. Like the feeling after an epiphany.

I was driving along, just leaving the scene of a story I had been working on. Chom Rock was the radio station I was listening to over the slow rumble of my car's dying engine. Advertisements gurgled and twittered, barely irritating my ear drum as my thoughts pushed back the sound waves and made them apart of the ambiance. They sounded like voices in a dream, inaudible but unarguably there.

Soon the songs came on and "Come Together" by the Beatles began to play. Here come ol' flat top began to burrow it's way into my mind and I enjoyed it. The vibrations were less harsh than the preceding commercials and soon I was mouthing the words.

I came to a turn and stopped, as best I could with the ice, at the appropriate point to obey the traffic laws. Slightly after I had slid into place another car came to a halt on the road perpendicular to my own. The other car was a dirty brown and didn't look much better than mine. It's driver was a bit shaggy, with a beard and longish unattended hair.

On the radio the chorus was coming up. I was still humming the words and thought nothing of the stranger at the stop sign. But as I turned, for some reason I took another glance at the other driver and what I saw made me feel like part of everything. As he turned he mouthed the words, "Right now, over me" as they played on my radio.

He was listening to the same station as me, and he could here the same sound that I could. It's not amazing, but I'd not expected the influence of the radio station to be so obvious at that moment.

In my car I always felt like I was in my own little world, but once I'd completed my turn I was part of something bigger. I was a single cog in the world machine, one ant in the swarm. Everything I did suddenly seemed both of dire importance and of no consequence. Like all my actions were microscopic, but worked towards a much greater goal.

The rest of my drive seemed like a dream and once I got back to work, I began writing.

Bandit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Sonic Fails

Wanna know a game I grew up with and loved? Sonic the hedgehog.

Swiwlver, Swonic and Shwahdohw

I’m going to imagine a few of the people who read this probably just pissed themselves laughing, but contrary to the new garbage Sega is releasing, the old games were classics. I mean Sonic and Mario were considered “rivals” at one point, and then Sega does what Sega’s good at, and fucks shit up.

I think the franchise went down the toilet the moment 3D was integrated into the games. Sonic Adventure 2 in my opinion is the absolutely last good game the Sonic Series had to offer before things went horribly wrong. The series started going downhill with Sonic Heroes, but I think the last nail in the coffin was the very game intended on redeeming Sonic and pals, Sonic 360.

Redemption? I think the only thing that game showed fans was it was about time to take Sonic to the vet and put him out of his misery. Sega gloated about how good this game was going to be, how the graphics were beautiful, and even added some new characters to shake things up a bit. To have even thought this game was a success, I believe the developers were being fucked in the ear canal at the time.

Let’s go over a few of my favorite moments playing this game:

1) LOADING

Sure! Let’s try to make the game pretty! Let’s do all this shit to appease the audience with pure aesthetics and intriguing dialogue (LOLOLOLOL.), and because of all this, let’s make players wait  45678365836478658383 hours to actually play the fucking level. Sure, games have load times, I can understand waiting a few minutes for something that will actually be worth my time, but this was ridiculous. I played this game on xbox, so maybe it’s a feature exclusive to the system, but between every little bit of dialogue, LOADING… You answer a question, LOADING… You walk into the level, LOADING… and then you die in the level, and you do it ALL over again. Answer all the same tedious questions and wait half an hour to actually say, “Yes you stupid asshat, I actually DO want to go into the level.”

And these aren’t short loading times. You basically have time to walk down the street, fuck the mailman, learn to ride a unicycle, and take a nice leisurely stroll back to your game which will probably still be loading. Ok I’m exaggerating a little but, but it’s fucking stupid.

2) Level designs

I think someone needs to remind Sega what the Sonic games used to be about. Sonic fans liked the SPEED. (Not the drug, nitwits) They liked running through the levels, grabbing the rings, trying not to die, and all the while being challenged. None of this stop-and-go bullshit in this game. To those that haven’t played this game (don’t do it, don’t even try.), you basically have 3 story lines to follow, being Sonic’s, Shadow’s and the new character Silver (another reason Sega needs to give up), and frankly the two secondary character’s storylines are ten times more enjoyable than Sonic’s simply because his uses the original mechanics of when the games were good. It wouldn’t be a problem if they stayed true to the original games, but the courses are nowhere near smooth, and don’t permit the fluid running movement that used to make the games good.

Example:

“Yaayyy I’m running, awww yeahhh grinding, hooming attack, running again- OH
FUCK ME, A CORNER!” * dead *

The levels themselves cause you to stop every two seconds due to mobs of enemies that you have to STOP to deal with, or the horrible level plan which kills you every little bit due to you crashing face-first into walls OR falling through invisible holes. RIGHT, speaking of that, let me rant about GLITCHES.

3) Glitches

Now, not going to lie, I have NEVER been more pissed off in my life about glitches in a game than this piece of shit. I mean there are glitches EVERYWHERE. Let me talk about my favorite one though, just to give you an idea of how terrible this game is.

Remember how I said dying in this game was total bullshit? So this one wonderful time, I’m running around on one of the ocean courses (I don’t want to remember what it was called so don’t ask which one this is.), and this is one of the courses where Tails follows you around (fuck him, fuck him hard and not in the good way.),
and says stupid shit like “I’m coming Sonic!” “I’m right behind you!” etc… which is annoying as all hell, and I just remember thinking to myself “Hm, besides the retarded fox pissing me off, this isn’t really that- fuck.” I said this quote right as I fell through a SOLID bridge, because some asshole programmer didn't realize they left a fucking little patch you can fall through. I understand if I died from falling, hitting the wrong button, or anything else I can blame it on, but in no way should I have to suffer through ALL the dialogue all over again because some dickweed didn’t fix up a part of the ground. To add insult to injury Tails exclaimed (not kidding) “I’m coming with you Sonic!” and proceeded to walk to the edge of the bridge, jump off and dive into the abyss with Sonic and die. I was an instant away from hurling the xbox out the window.

However, like any great review, this one also needs to go over the good points of the game…
…
…
I got nothing.

To conclude, don’t play this game. If you want to experience this game for yourself, simply paper cut your genitals and dip them in lemon juice. Save yourself the money and time.

Fuck you Sega.

Cuttlefish
COMBUSTION COMPLETE

Thing 2

Maybe I should make a regular post as well.

Alright, let's give this a try.

Greetings readers. I am Axl4002. The numbers are used more as a serial code though, so just call me Axl.

It's a little late for introductions, but better late than dead, I always say!

The saying has yet to catch on.

So, I write things here and there, mostly about game, since that's my main interest beyond anything else.

I'll also get around to doing some Anime here and there though.

I do PC and PS3 games, and I'll also do PS Vita once I can get my hands on it, which will hopefully be, next month.

And of course, like any bloke on the Internet, I'll write about some classic games as well.

I do not have a system as to which games I write about. I just randomly think about ones, or just write about the current ones I'm playing.

Is that it? That may be it.

Alright then, until next time.

-Axl4002

More on collecting games.

Last week I talked about never missing out on opportunity. This week, I'm going to talk about how I treat my games once I get them.

As you all know, the most annoying thing us video game collectors have to suffer is terrible places like EB games or Gamestop. They enjoy ruining our lives by plastering fucking stickers all over the goddamn games.

I hate that shit.

Well, I know a secret. A secret to get rid of these hell spawn stickers put so liberally on our precious games.
It's...

Rule number 2!!!!: Always have a chemical cleaning product that's strong, but not too strong. If the product is too weak then you aren't going anywhere. Likewise, if it's too strong you will wipe the cartridge of all it's other stickers (the important stickers... Like the fucking logo itself). What you need is:

This shit.

Not only can it rid you of stickers and their nasty residue, it will also eat through permanent fucking marker that faggots, like Jonathan, use to write they're dumbass name over (no offense to other Jonathans). I recommend this product to any video game collector who hates stickers on their games (You can even use it on the game's logo, and it works on cases like the ones for ps2, gamecube, etc).

In short, get some fucking goo off.

-Arithmetic logic unit
COMBUSTION COMPLETE