Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Arriving at the movies.... Late

I went to go see a movie today. The name? I don't remember, but that's not the point. What the point really is, is that I arrived to the movie late and I didn't understand a fucking thing. All I know is that the chick bellow was in it.
Yes, her.
I don't mind arriving late, that's what trailers are for, but when I miss an important part to my movie and don't understand the rest of it because of that I tend to not enjoy myself. Granted the reason I couldn't understand it could have been because the movie was a piece of shit.... But I want to be nice for once and not blame it on some director's incompetence, the writers must be fucking idiots as well.

-Antonio Banderas
All this movie taught me was that Antonio Banderas is baddass enough to end a movie by saying one simple word, "shit". And that is why he is such an awesome actor.... Wait... That's not what I was talking about.... Ah, who gives a shit.

-Arithmetic logic unit

The Vanishment

Now and then, I actually do sit myself down and watch a movie. Whether I enjoy it or not, that's another story.

Now, I'm not allowed to do movies, because of conflict of interests. However, I can do Anime movies. Probably.

If I am wrong, this may be my last post on the site. Remember me fondly, or not at all.

Anyway, I've recently watched one that weirdly enough, goes by two names. Either The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya, or The Vanishment of Haruhi Suzumiya. I imagine it's a translation thing.

It's based off the fouth novel, of which I have heard is not as great as the movie.

The movie takes place, I believe, a week before Christmas. They're being very Japanese and are planning a party. Because that's all that Japanese people do in Anime's and Visual Novels.

Everything starts off normal, until about the next morning where Kyon arrives at school, and it all turns into an episode of the Twilight Zone. Haruhi and Koizumi are both missing. The blood-lusting Asakura returns, but a bit more normal than usual. Mikuru doesn't recognize him. Yuki's a human now with, get this, emotions. Kinda cool.
And even the bloody cat doesn't talk anymore !

That's the base of the story.

Kyon is basically alone now, in what seems to be a parallel world. He slowly realizes what happens around him, and basically just wonders if this is for the best. If he wanted a normal life away from the psychotic Haruhi, this would be it. Now would be the time.

Does he accept his current situation, or does he fight to change it back ?
Give it a watch. If you're a fan, you won't regret it.

Let me put it like this before I end this post.

Twice in my life, after finishing something, I've said to myself that I wish I could wipe my memory of this something, only to experience it again.

This movie was the second.

What was the first thing ? Oh, you'll find out ~one night~.


It's Late

It's late cause I always get back from my gf's house late and then I need to write a blog post quick. Which is annoying cause then I can't form a full idea so I make lots of mistakes. And that's this weeks complaint over. 

Now, I know what your thinking. 

Hey Bandit. Don't you have to have friends to have a girlfriend?

Well reader. Fuck you. 

Anyway, I was standing at a Train station the other day with Cuttlefish as my gf (that does exist) and Arithmetic Logic Unit (Cuttlefishes bf) were running around just like...I don't even know what the fuck they were doing. They were laughing and screaming and running around like five year olds. 

Cuttlefish and I just stood there looking at each other, asking why we were going out with them (joking of course). We both really knew why. 

I don't know what it is but there's something about the fact that my gf being the polar opposite to me that brings some kind of balance to my life. There's something about her childishness and nativity that makes me feel like I need her. Without it, the scales would be unbalanced and the world would be lob-sided. 

For her, I have a love that comes naturally. Whether I want it to or not. 

Ya know what I mean reader?

Whatever Bandit, I'm convinced you have a girl friend. Stop trying so hard ;) 

...What do her tits feel like?

I dunno...like...bags of sand?


Monday, 30 January 2012


So, hi.

Not too sure how to introduce myself formally, but I’m a new member to the Combustion Moose team, known as Cuttlefish. Yeah, those things actually exist for those of you currently opening a tab in your browser for the sake of discovering why the hell I chose Cuttlefish as a name. Besides the fact they’re freaking adorable, the name sounds amazing. It’s a cuddly fish. But it’s not a fish, and it’s sure as hell not cuddly.

Regardless, I decided to make my first post about how much I hate women. (I’m about to be drop kicked by a hoard of angry feminists.) Don’t get me wrong, I hate people in general, but I really, really don’t like women. I can say this seeing as I am a woman.

(Yeah, freak the fuck out, girls can do more than make sandwiches. Look, I can type! Goodie-fucking-gumdrops.)

I’ll have you know I can’t make sandwiches, let alone cook. I’ll also have you know that reasons like the above will be how I justify not liking females.

Let’s go back in time a bit shall we?

Once upon a time… Women had no rights. GASP, NO WAY. Yes. They actually had no, if not very limited rights and were generally undermined in every way possible. So they spoke out, they began to protest being discriminated against due to sex, began striving to succeed and work and go to school and be equal with our male counterparts. We wanted to show that we were just as good as you men!

So we were given what we wanted, and what do we do with this?

^ what the fuck.

There are disasters, calamities and injustices happening around the world, problems that simply must be addressed urgently, but no, here’s our young female minds at work, torn between sucking off a sparkling vampire and a wolf.

I’m generalizing here a little bit and for those of you who have their heads in their asses, I’m using Twilight as a prime example of women hindering their own progress on gaining equal rights. Here is a series that sounds like some sex-deprived fourteen year old’s fanflic, and it takes the nation by storm. The main idea of the story? Women, get the fuck back in the kitchen, you’re nothing without men. Bravo ladies, bravo.

There’s more though. Years ago women fought for an education, fought to work at jobs they weren't allowed to be in, wanted to be treated with respect. When we’re given all this, what do we do? Dress up like whores, act like total fucking bimbos for attention, fail at school because we’re too busy getting wasted at your BFFL’s major-ultra-special-party… whatever, the more I list, the more I lose faith.

So you know what? I will throw around sexist jokes, I will even ACCEPT people making remarks like that towards me, just because of how hypocritical it would be to say “STOP BEING SEXIST” when we have conformed into these poor little dependable creatures who would rather flaunt their tits around the world than, ya know, pick up a good book, play a video game, actually, god forbid, get a fucking education. Too much to ask?

Part of me wants to say I’m proud of myself and the other women who strive for success and haven’t yet educed themselves to the walking wastes of oxygen I have to tolerate on a daily basis, but most of me cries for the gender as a whole. So, go on ahead and tell me to get back in the kitchen. Fuck, with the current state we’re in, I don’t think we should be allowed to leave the kitchen until we realize our potential and what we could do with it.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go learn to make sandwiches.

(Bandit's comment: Rule 29 on Cuttlefish)


Tribes Ascend

Tired of all your Revolution Call of Battlefields of Gears of Forever Wars? I know I am!

Alright folks, let me tell you about a different kind of game. Some of you may actually recognize it, if you had a childhood anyway.

It's called Tribes : Ascend. The developers have finally allowed our good old friend Tribes out to play again. And he's grown up a bit.

It started off awkwardly, the main feature missing from the game being . . . Jump. I was trying very hard to wrap my mind around WHY you couldn't jump in a Tribes game. Sure, everyone has jetpacks, but combined with the jump, great feats were accomplished. Instead of trying to get used to it like a normal person who accepts change, I decided to send angry surveys during the beta.

Good news, the jump feature is back in the game. You're welcome.

But let's move on.

To those of you that are dead on the inside and have no idea what Tribes is, Tribes is a first person shooty game, FPS for pro lingo. (mad cred for saying it so, right?) You may be thinking, but Axl, you casually hardcore wizard you, I thought you were tired of the FPS genre! What makes this game any different?

Well, jetpacks for one. Everyone gets one. You've also got a neat little feature called, stop me if you've heard of this but, "skiing". Now hold on before you start laughing, I fully agree that it sounds like a crazy thing. But it actually works amazingly. As you pick up speed falling off a cliff, you may hold down the ski button to start gliding majestically like a heavily armored elephant. Um, on crack. Wait, no that doesn-

Easy to use, hard to master.

Another big thing about Tribes is the Spin-Fusor. It's a gun, that shoots spinning, exploding blue disks of lesser games and bad movies. I, among many others, consider this weapon the flagship weapon of the Tribes series.

The pure amount of skill it takes to use this gun is amazing. I mean, just imagine, your weapon doesn't travel instantly and everyone has jetpacks, and can ski across the map. If you're good at it though, they're more like those little moving ducks in shooting galleries.

You actually get a medal, the blue plate special, for killing someone in the air with your Spin-Fusor, while you too, are in the air. Hard, yes. But once you get it, you feel GREAT.

The game I believe is still in beta at the moment. You can get a guaranteed invite if you like them on Facebook, or if you find someone who is in the beta that hasn't used up their invites yet. It's also Free to Play, which is both good, and bad.

The good part being. . . Well, it's free.

The bad part being that you only start with 2 classes out of 12. And yes, classes are in the game. No longer can we customize our items. We've also got perks per classes, that are unlocked simply by playing the game. You get experience, or XP (That cred man) individually for classes. They are working on a system that lets you transfer XP from class to class though, at a loss. You also get tokens, which are used to unlock classes.
Honestly, kind of expensive though. I believe some classes are around 9000 tokens, and you get aroumd 90-100 if you wiin I think. There's also a First Win of the Day bonus though, that gives you more XP and tokens.

You may also choose to pay for tokens. And if you only pay once, you get a XP and a token bonus for the rest of your Tribes life.

Well, that all being said and done, I do believe I've taken up enough of your time. . . For now. But before I go, for you vets out there. . . SHAZBOT.



So there was some kind of lapse in the space time continuum and instead of something really really awesome happening, the result was a 3 day gap in Combustions.

Anyway, it seems that the team has expanded and now we're thinking of moving to a website. Far out man.

Your going to start seeing more and more of the newer members popping (a cap) their posts once in a while. Or everyday if, like, you know, they do what they're supposed to.

We've got to get the design all sorted so that our Combustion based project can get underway.

So without further Adieu (Never really knew wtf that means) I introduce our newest member:


So cute! XD


Sunday, 29 January 2012

Ok, I haven't posted in a while and the reason for that is because of a game called Gmod, or Garry's mod. This game is like crack cocaine. You can do anything you want. Anything. By anything I mean you can make a bucket and strap it to someone's head, put a rocket on the bucket and watch the body fly.
This is the essence of fun.

Why can't more games be like this? Why can't more games just put you in a map and say, "Here, have fun. Do WHATEVER you want.". Most games are linear and there's nothing wrong with that, but every once in a while I do enjoy being able to have a little freedom. A lot of games fall flat because they're too linear, there are many instances where you find yourself saying, hey, I wish I could go over there and the moment you try you fail.

Metal gear battle
All I'm trying to say is, even if your game isn't free roam, give the player a little more flexibility than a straight corridor.

-Arithmetic logic unit

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Just do it

I remember when I was in Cegep and people would always ask me "what do you want to do in the future". It was mainly my parents asking, and every time I would reply "author" I would get the "there's no money in that" eyes and be told that I had to think about money too. "It's hard to be an author."

Well, okay so it's hard to be an author, or a musician, or a graphic designer or whatever. So, I've got to think about money and make sure there's a paying profession at the end of my education. Alright thanks for the speech, I'll go on ignoring your votes of confidence.

If that were all parents did, then I wouldn't care. But, it's not. 

Cause, the next day I would get another parent speech. This one along the same topic, with a different overall message. "You've got to do what you want," says dad, "Cause if you do what you love then it doesn't feel like work."

Okay. Wtf. Time out. 

So If I tell you what I want to do I get the sad eyes of 0 future and a struggled life, but I've got to do what I want? 

Well now you've just opened a can of teenage opinion soup which actually contains a particle-colider that about to cause a big bang of inexperienced advice. 

Just fucking do it. 

"It's hard to become a Rockstar." What about the people who are Rockstars. 
"It's hard to be an Author." What about the people who are Authors.
"It's hard to be a pregnant teenager living on welfare." Well yeh. 

My point being that yes it's hard, but the facial expression that goes along with the phrase reads impossible. And it's not an, "it's impossible for everyone," face, it's a genuine, "it's impossible for you," face. 

Well you know what, if you never throw the dart it's never going to hit the board. If you throw it, it still might not hit, but at least it had a chance. If you leave it in your hand then, errr, it's never going to leave your hand. 

Hopefully you understand my metaphor. If not I leave you with this: "It's hard to be philosopher"


Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Welcome To La-Mulana

Have you ever played a game that is so easy, that is literally plays itself? It's almost like the entire game is a tutorial. You feel safe during the entire game, and oh, what's that? You died? No worries friend, there was a checkpoint exactly where you died! Isn't that lucky? Here's a power-up exactly where you died, you know, not that you need it, you big winner you.
And before you know it, the game is over, for you have slayed the final boss, saved two dimensions and some woman that you will never see again.
Aren't these games fun ?

No. They are not.
At least, I don't think so.

Now, let me tell you about a different sort of game. The game starts, and you have no real clue where to go, but that's fine, you are a fearless explorer, aren't you? I hope you are, because this game won't tell you where to go. Start searching.

Some time later, maybe you've figured out how to save. If you haven't yet, then you've probably died. At least once. Which means you had to restart the game.

Pick yourself up hero, you've got this!

You figure out how to save, find the entrance to the temple, go inside, and now you're in the first real area.
For reference, we'll call it . . . Oh, I don't know - Guidance Gate.
No reason.

The music changes, the enemies are different, and you have multiple paths now. Maybe you're not cut out for this . . . No? Still going? Alright, that's fine.

You walk around, and you find a spot to place those useful weights you picked up. Just like the one that opened up the Temple's entrance! Obviously the outside was sort of a small tutorial. You set down the weight, and you are rewarded with a chunk of your life being taken away because a part of a statue fell on you.

What's this? Traps?

Yes. Traps. And some are not as obvious as this one, and insta-kill. Having fun yet?

You explore Guidance Gate some more, hit a few sacred relics by accident and get hit by divine lightning, possibly resolving in you dying. Good thing you walked back to the beginning of the game to save at some point, right?

You even found the shurikens, very useful sub-weapons. How did you find them? Oh, you had to jump in a pit of spikes, that were actually fake. Simple, right?

Exploring even more, now you're serious. You find invisible paths, life gems, and even a Ankh. What is it used for? You've no idea yet.

You finally realize that the entire area, Guidance Gate, is actually a giant puzzle. Once you figure out all the puzzles, you get an Ankh, and in a certain spot, a glowing beacon appears. Being the amazing archeologist you are, you put two and two together. Or rather, one Ankh, and one beacon together.

A glowing light surrounds you. The area seals off, the beacon disappears, and the Ankh shatters. The music changes once again. Deep down, you know this feeling.

A boss. A pretty big one, too.

Amphisbaena. Two headed fire breathing snake.

Equipped with a whip in one hand, and shurikens in the other. you leap to battle. It may take one try, it may take several tries. But either way, you know this is just the beginning. And that you're in for a hell of an adventure.

Welcome To La-Mulana


Good Design

The best trick for flawless design is to get rid of everything unnecessary. So for this blog post I've done just that.

Here it is:


Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Annoying.

I just got back from the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and I must say, I enjoyed it. I'm not here to give you a full review, but what I do want to talk about is the lead actor.

This kid, is annoying... As shit. Don't they screen this kids before they let them act? Don't get me wrong he did a really good job... But for the crying scenes and such... He's the most annoying shit on earth. Maybe it's just me, I don't like to hear kids screeching. Maybe I get enough of it during the day, I don't know. But please keep these kids off the movie unless they're doing anything that includes... I don't know, not being annoying.

This post was short... But I'm tired and I don't give a shit.

-Arithmetic logic unit

We all just Love to Hate

"Why the fuck do the Vampires sparkle!"

A few weeks ago I was sitting in my room, searching the Netflix archives to try and find a movie that would quench my entertainment thirst for an hour or two. Luckily, Netflix updates on a fairly regular basis which means that the "New to Netflix" section is always ripe with film flavored fruit. 

So, after skimming the new content, I got a blast from the past when I saw the sci-fi action fuckup also known as Ultraviolet sneering out at me. Anyone who knows me well is fully aware that I have a hate so deep for Ultraviolet that, on occasion, my eyes bleed (out of hate). 

Umbrella fucked up again

Why do I hate it so much, you ask? Well cause it's fucking terrible. The plot line makes no sense, the special effects are made out of paper-mache molded by an autistic centipede without any legs, so many powers that Violet has are completely unexplained, most action scenes are stoopid and what the fuck is with the gay roundabout scene. 

Ok I've gotta ctfd. Back to the point. 

I watched it anyway. Why would I do that? I hate this movie with the very core of my being, so much that if I had the choice to damn my soul to an eternity in a room with a moose just to have every last copy, recording, file and trace of this movie erased from existence, I would. 

But, that's just it. I love hating it. 

I need the movie to be there, because I can never be as hateful towards anything else than I can towards Ultraviolet. It's as if everything I stand for is further reinforced by the pathetic display that is Ultraviolet. I hate it, but I love hating it. 

And it's not just me. How many people watched Friday a few hundred times before they were done hating it. Not me, cause if it wasn't banned I would still watch it just to make sure I still hate it. 

Yesterday was thursday

Same with Twilight. Me, personally, I don't hate Twilight. But hating Twilight has almost become as popular as liking it. No one likes it when some oestrogen overloaded bitch makes one of the most feared mythic creatures hide away during the day because they sparkle. But, Twilight hate has reached a whole other level easily on par with it's popularity. 

Sry Spike

But, how can we say that this is not normal. I'm sure that hate is as instinctual to humans as love. Without hate, we would not be able to push ourselves to the brink of our capabilities to destroy it. If we couldn't hate, then we would understand our enemies. If we understand our enemies, then we can relate to them. Once we relate to something, it's far harder to destroy it. 

Now, I know that humanity has moved passed this phase (at least it should have). But, for me it's as good an explanation as any to why hating feels so good. As animals, we hated to survive and now we hate to write blog posts. Maybe hating is healthy. 

All I know is that I hate Ultraviolet. And I love it. 


Monday, 23 January 2012

30 minutes

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay. So I have exactly twenty-five minutes to write something worth reading and I didn't come up with any ideas, so we're going to use the bestest search engine and information gathering site the world has ever known:


Totally got this using google

So what happens if I type in twat into google. 

Ahahahaha. The funny thing about this is that I was going to put George Bush anyway. I didn't think the "Twat" thing would work, but turns out someone beat me to the joke. So, 18 minutes to go I got to start getting more original. OBVIOUSLY someone already wove Twat and Jee-orge Bush into a neatly packages box of hilarity. 

16 minutes. Okay so I saw that the McGill Quidditch team are practicing hard for their upcoming tournament in New York City. 

Now, is this taking it too far? Is it some how immature of humanity to play Quidditch so intensely that it has it's own championship? I can't help but think that it is, even though it looks like the most awesome thing since the $5 Subway sandwich. I mean I know Harry Potter's popular but can something be too popular? Cause everyone likes Harry Potter. EVERYONE. Even me. Does that make us all the same?

Maybe it's not even Harry Potter at all. Maybe it's the unity brought to an entire nation, nay, an entire civilization by a single seven book series about whizards. I mean who doesn't love whizards. 

9 minutes. Like in the word whizards above I love adding h's  because they go in so many places without actually modifying the word too much. For example:


Isn't that more fun to say. The word isn't harsh anymore. There no religious references which leaves enough political incorrectness points (PIP) for Ghodzhillah to wish everyone Merry Christmas (Well, at least merry holidays) and this just wasted about 3 minutes of my life. 

But, I give my time to you my Combustionites, so that all two of you can feel loved. 

I love you combustionites, I love you. 

Hmm, I think we need that added to the dictionary if we want to get anywhere. At least the Urban dictionary. I wonder what word is before Combustionites.



For all avid game collectors.

I won't lie, one of my greatest passions in life is video games. As a video game lover (I call myself a lover and not a gamer because I get joy out of owning video games and not necessarily playing them.) I have a video game collection, not very big, but a nice modest collection.


I've been working on my collection for about 4 years... Or something like that, and I find that there are a lot of things that people should know if they intend on starting a game collection. Like, how should I store them? Or what order should they be in? Or the biggest question of all, how the fuck do I get this goddamn sticker residue off the old cartridges, i'd like to stop and curse any cocksucker who's ever put a fucking sticker on their game case, box, cartridge or CD... Honestly, I don't know who's fucking dumb enough to put a sticker on a CD, but I'm digressing.

PS2, Gamecube, Wii and Xbox (Some music too.)

What I'm trying to get at here is that I'm going to start documenting how my collection grows and what I do to deal with the growing number of games, because believe it or not, they take up quite a bit of room. So without further adieu, THE RULES FOR COLLECTING FUCKING VIDEO GAMES.

Rule number 1: When you go on the hunt for new games to go into your collection, NEVER hesitate, don't walk into a store buy a game and then see another game and say to yourself "Well, I bought this one today, so I'll pick that one up next week". That is a mistake I have made several times. If the price is good for the game in question, BUY IT RIGHT AWAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. If your looking into old games they can be hard to come by and if someone buys the one you were looking at, well I hate to break it to you, but you're out of fucking luck. 

N64, Sega Gensis

Anyway, before I get carried away, I'll leave you all with that bit of wisdom in game collecting today. I'll be back next week with another rule of game collecting.

Until then,

-Arithmetic logic unit

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Fucking combat phase....

Now, the reason I haven't posted anything in a while is because I've been consumed by a game called Phantasy Star Online Episode III C.A.R.D. Revolution. Now, this game is by definition the bee's knees. It's a trading card turn-based strategy game for the Nintendo game cube.

Cool fucking game.

Now, I first played this game a few years back and recently picked it up again with my girlfriend. We have fun stomping on the COM, but there is one complaint I have. THE COMBAT PHASE FEELS LIKE WAITING IN TH EMERGENCY WARD FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING DAY BECAUSE OF A STUBBED TOE.

2 years later.
The problem is that the attack animations are long and repetitive, so when you have to look at the same goddamn thing over and over it start to drill into your head. There needs to be an option that speeds up battle animation and such, like in Heroes of Might and Magic where you can have the animations go at any speed you want.

All this to say, fuck hospital wait times.

-Arithmetic logic unit

Does your floor eat things?

I don't know about your floor, but on numerous occasions I swear to God my floor has eaten things.

I think it's time for a flashback to explain:

March 23rd, 2006. On a cold and frigid winter morn, the sun was rising over the eastern horizon. The world awoke from it's slumber and I, mysterious and stunningly good-looking guitarist, was playing a melody beckoning the new day. Few birds sung in the lonely tree's, as if they lamented the loss of their vibrant world, now encased in a steel prison of ice and snow. All that could be heard (from just outside my window) was the sweet melody of an electric guitar with the reverb set to 5. Soon, a solo sprung from my finger tips, gradually growing stronger and more confident as if it were a seedling of some great oak. The notes sung from the Marshall amp that lay two feet away from where I stood. A ray shone though the open window and lit the amp, as if a divine presence looked over it.

It was coming, I could feel it. Slowly, like a front-line warrior anticipating the battle ahead, the solo began to grow impatient. It was coming, the climax of the piece, the natural bend that would pierce spines with shivers of awe. The notes grew faster, breathing hastily and even holding in desire. Up the scale my finger's walked. The hero ascended into the lair of the beast, ready for blood. His sword drew high. Soon it would come crashing down.

But, at that moment, like an ill-fated torment of some jealous god, the pick within my left hand slipped and fell towards the ground. I could not move, frozen in the moment. It was as if the the pick and I were trapped within an unstable fabric in the bed sheets of time. It fell, and I watched it's every flutter and twist. An eternity had passed since the descent had begun. But now it was almost to the floor. It hit the ground then, suddenly the pick was nowhere to be seen.

I began to search wildly. Under the coach, around the amp, under the carpet, in my wallet, on the self, in the Xbox. It was gone. Vanished. I had watched it in slow motion, falling to the floor, yet now I had no idea where it was.

Weeks went by. I continued to play, but always the pick echoed in my every thought. Where could it have gone. It couldn't have disappeared, could it? I would look every so often, but I'd never find it.

The floor had eaten it.

Over the few years of living here, I have lost about 5,678 picks to the appetite of my floor. I've also lost 32 socks, a basket ball and my virginity.

It's still hungry.


Saturday, 21 January 2012

Eric: 1     Bandit: 1

Is that a hoe or a shovel

I productively checked my Facebook feed, scrolling down endlessly as older posts appeared more quickly than the little wheel on my Mouse could turn. As usual, I was lulled into a robotic rhythm of reading snippets of people's days and, just like when your dreaming and one of the character's starts to call your name without the disjointed plot-line requiring it and then you wake up and your mum was calling, and you start freaking out 'cause somehow her voice managed to break between the bounds of the subconscious and the conscious and manifesting itself in one of your dream characters, and then, as "5 more minutes" becomes the only possible reaction you start realizing that Leonardo DiCaprio was in your dream, and this was only the second dream layer cause you'd already fallen to sleep twice in this dream cascade, and then as your mum takes out an Uzi from under her shirt and gets ready to pull the trigger the Uzi starts calling your name, and you wake up again cause your mums calling your name (again) and then your like fuck, I think I just got Incepted, but your not sure cause someone switches out the light before you can see if the spinning top falls over.

Yeh just like that little scenario, I realized that I didn't actually give a shit about a good 97.54% of the Facebook posts I was reading. But then I came across a site in one post that I'd heard of but never visited.

Funny Exams, was it's name. 'But, exams aren't funny,' I thought, 'what an intriguing prospect.' So, after polishing my monocle, I clicked on the link to start surfing. Within a few clicks I'd found exactly the entertainment I'd been looking for in the, art of a small elementary school child. Enjoy, it's fucking hilarious.

There's an attached letter from the mom. Read it a the website below, her explanation of what the picture's supposed to be is hilarious.


I don't know. Kids these days.


Friday, 20 January 2012

Billy Connolly does Opera

Today I had the pleasure of interviewing the comedian Joey Elias, who's coming to the Hudson Village Theatre during the Comedy Festival the weekend Jan. 28th.

During the interview, Joey told me about his time as a comedian and at one point talked about Billy Connolly. Now, I've always heard his name but I never got around to watching him perform. So, using my powers of intuition and investigation I turned to the only source that could get me the experience I needed and fast. YouP... I mean YouTube.

Watch this video, seriously it's hilarious. Best part starts at 1:50.


After my little encounter with comedy, I kind of have the feeling that I want to get into it more. But, to do that I need some recommendations. Who's on par with this mad man that will make me ball my eye's out in pain? Happy pain! Well at least pain from over-laughing.

Anyway, I have to say, the power to stand up and make people laugh is a rare gift. I can't imagine what I'd do  to get a few giggles out of a crowd. It's not even the jokes, It's the way he tells them. But, even knowing that I can't put my finger on what it is in the way he tells them that's so funny. It just is fucking hilarious.

Anyway here's a link to the Hudson Village Theatre Joey Elias show:

Anyone who lives around Hudson should come.


Thursday, 19 January 2012

Winter Tree

Wither'd waning winter tree
Who lend's his hand,
And watches me.
Envy, cased between the ice,
and twinkling in
his eye

Shudder shiver solider on
Our golden god,
it has not gone.
Passion, trapped beneath the shell,
is hidden in
his heart



I honestly have nothing to talk about. You ever get that? When so much has happened in one day, you just don't want to talk about it.

 When someone asks "Hey, how was your day?" and you say, "Gee, not too bad" and then the asshole starts questioning you, "What did you do?". That's when you're fucked. That's when the interrogation starts, if you say you didn't do anything they go on a tangent of questions, "How can you do nothing?", "Didn't you do anything?", "What? Did you not do ANYTHING?". Don't these assholes have better things to do then question what I did during the day. You know what I say? "Hey! Dickhead, you weren't there so shut your trap and let's get on with shaving this cat's ballsack".

And do you really think they give a shit about your day?
Does anyone honestly register into their long term memory what you did during the day? No. And if they do, they need to start doing something with their own fucking days. Bottom line is no one gives a shit about what you did today.

So good fucking night.

-Arithmetic logic unit

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Not done yet.

I am Bandit's counterpart and this is my first post. As bland as this introduction may sound, I have decided to call myself Arithmetic Logic Unit. Like in a computer! Enough about me, there is something more important at hand!

As some of you may know today a legislation called PIPA was abolished, not sure exactly why yet, but I heard it was because of a protest or something, I'm too fucking tired to search it up right now, I'll do it tomorrow when I'm not about to fall asleep on my damned keyboard. With the fall of PIPA one can only assume that SOPA is next (for those of you who don't yet know what PIPA and SOPA are then I'll add a link at the bottom of this post with all the information you'll need on these legislation.).

My only concern is that this may not be the end, if the U.S. government wants something done they usually get what they want, and because of this I don't thin we've seen the end of bills such as SOPA and PIPA, not to alarm anyone, but us internet users may have a long weary battle ahead of us, one that we have to unite and fight together. The only way to stop these dumbass ideas from becoming reality is to raise awareness, whether it be by facebook, or a youtube  video, or a shitty blog post, it doesn't matter, we just have to let people know what the threats are and to spread the word so that we may have things like what happened today occur more often.

Well that`s it for today

-Arithmetic Logic Unit

Info site: www.google.com

The Spontaneous Dumbledore Field

Have you ever noticed that when streetlamps burn out they always blow as your driving under them.

I'll be driving in my car, minding my own business, when suddenly the strong shining, conveniently directed rays of light that were guiding me are suddenly replaced by a haunting trail of unlit blackness. After the occurrence I normally look I bit like this:

So I thought about it, and the only explanation is a little thing I like to call the Spontaneous Dumbledore Field. My guess is that when something immeasurably rare happens (like the planets aligning or someone visiting combustion moose), a force is created that causes a gateway between reality and imagination to tear asunder between some unlucky driver and a streetlamp.

Now, of course, there are three dominant clans in the land of imagination. Spampires, Wizards and Jedi. Basically their all fighting over their in ability to be the dominant story in the mind of naive, impressionable westerners.

The vampires are sparkling, light sabers are flashing. Shits really going down. But what can the wizards do? They can't hold down a Defense against the dark arts teacher so all their really capable of doing is making candles float and chasing a golden testicle on a broom stick.

The boy who lived. That's who they need. Dumbledore takes out his trusty stealthelightfromthingsthatlightuper and clicks it like it's nobodies business. At that very moment the gateway opens and Dumbledore steals a ray of real light from our world.

Imagine if two people read Combustion Moose.



Having a new full-time job has not made the Wednesday/Friday weekly band practices easier to attend. I don't mean they suck or anything like that I literally mean I can't go anymore, which is not ideal when you have a battle of the bands in two weeks. 

Yeh so here's the band logo, I think. We're called Mellevon. You can find us on Facebook an all that, but we got no recordings yet. Gotta win that battle of the bands. 

Now my point was that I think i'm trying to do too many things at the same time and one day it's all going to explode. Oh well. Until then I guess I'll keep going. 


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Thank you

So coming back from my lovely job at the Hudson Gazette I saw a group of girls who had crashed their car into a snow bank. Oh Canada, I thought, those snow banks come out of no where.

Being understanding I got out of my car and helped the damsel push it out of the bank. So, basically I alone pushed the car out of the bank. (She reversed it. Don't worry, I'm not Superman)

I hate it when people do generous acts then think that they should get something for it. Kindness should not be for self-gratification. It should not be a selfish exploitation of dire situations in order to make the helper feel better. It should be selfless, courageous and valiant.

Bitch could have said Thank you though.


Combustion Moose Begins

OMFG I can't figure out this blog thing. I'm trying to get it to look good, but all the options just won't work. Dynamic View. WTF is that.

Anyway I know what your thinking. Any astronaut monkey can make a blog. Well, shut the front door you son of a business man I'm extremely impatient. Plus I gotta make an internet personality that will win the hearts of bazillions of adoring fans.

Maybe I should be a British chav and insert my opinion everywhere with the witty phrase "wah'eh'vah", adding h's for emphasis. Or maybe a Swedish adolescent genius by the name of Shven Bontzviklezburg III and wow the internet with philosophical yet uncharacteristically schwav comments on social media.

Either way I need a place to write how I wanna write. I'm tired of this news bullshit.

I think I'll name myself Bandit. Yeh Bandits good.