Saturday, 4 February 2012

The Cutest Little Girl Ever. EVER.

So I’m not going to lie, the most common thing you’ll ever hear me say is how much I don’t like kids. It’s weird, because I always take jobs that surround me with the little mites, but there’s something bizarre that attracts me to them at the same time. I’m not a pedophile, firstly. What I mean by that is that something about being near something that pisses you off so much has a certain… attraction that makes you do it. Regardless, one of the jobs I work is at a reptile zoo, and I bring reptiles to parties and give the audience a whole buncha information that no one really gives a fuck about, and let them touch all the critters. No one gives a fuck about what I’m saying, they just want to poke at the snake’s eyes or pull on an unfortunate lizard’s tail. At any rate, I try to engage the audience and try to force them to learn something. Although it’s about as successful as teaching a horse to figure skate.

So on this particular day, I start asking kids; “Well, what makes a FROG different than a REPTILE? What kind of animal is a FROG?” One stupid looking kid puts his hands up.

“IT’S A FROG, MISSUS.” With this grin across his idiotic face.

“Close.” I said, secretly wanting to tell him, “No, you inbred fuckface.” Another kid raises his hand.

“IT’S A GREEN FROG!” At this point I didn’t even remember the question, because kid after kid just named off different color frogs. I had to stop this before I punted one of these little dipshits across the room.

“All right,” I sighed, “everyone who is going to just name another type of frog, please put your hand down.” All of their hands went down. Minus one little blond girl with big blue eyes and pigtails. Reluctantly, I nodded at her to proceed.

“A frog, is d-d-different, because it is ANFIBUROUS.” The cuteness level was immeasurable. I stood there, in front of the room, with my mouth gaped open in awe of the cutest little girl I have ever laid eyes on. I didn’t give a shit if it was “amphibious”, I wanted to take the little girl, bring her home with me and just make her say ANFIBUROUS over and over again while I giggle-snorted the day away. But as we all know, there are many laws that prohibit us from doing exactly that, so I packed up and went home.

Now, whenever I see something cute, I want to tell my significant other, Arithmetic Logic Unit, “Honey, I want a *blank*, get me one!” Examples; baby goats, puffer fish, kittens, all that cute fluffy stuff I want so much. (fuck you, puffer fish are cute and fluffy.) So when I came back from the party, I almost did it again.

“Honey! I want a chi… chi… chinchilla?”

Hell no, no fucking kids. No way. I think children are like petting zoo animals. They’re super cute to look at for brief periods at a time, and feed and watch them frolic around. Then you get this really stupid idea that it would be a good idea to bring one home. Then you do, it shits on your carpet, eats your curtains and whines and whines and whines until you feed the damn thing or bring it to the vet and… euh…

AT ANY RATE, that’s how I imagine having a kid is.


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