Wednesday, 1 February 2012

1) The Classic "Motion picture drawn out tension" Sneeze

Did you know that a sneeze is one-sixteenth orgasm? A friend told me so it might not be true, but I go to bed a little easier believing that there's a possibility of having mini-orgasms in response to the irritation of the respiratory epithelium lining of the nose. Wow, your so smart Bandit.

I realized, using all the powers of critical thought that I have learned from our conformist society, that squeeze is quite a general term.

I see sneezes as being a bit like dogs. This a dog:


And so is this.

Fucking Chihuahuas 

Well sneezes are the same. They come in all shapes, sizes, species and sexualities. So over the next few weeks I will compile a detailed list of all the sneezes that exist.

1) The Classic "Motion picture drawn out tension" Sneeze

This is probably one of the most common sneezes, that I would categorize under General (As oppose to Exotic or Sensual). You've all seen it. I know you have.

What ends up happening is the unlucky (or lucky if you believe the orgasm thing) sneezeee (like employee) feels the tingle of little microscopic sneezeabies (there the things that make you sneeze) stampeding through the his/her nasal area.

Side note, this is what a sneezeabie looks like.

Actually starting from the left these are Rabies, yogurt and E.Coli germ plush toys 

The sneezeee, who we will name Phillip, scrunches his nose in irritation as he recoils from the sudden nostrilcular sensation he is feeling. It acts as a kind of warning (or a bizarre mating call) that makes everyone around Phillip aware of their impending doom if they do not gtfo.

It's like one of those bomb scenes where the hero's dive away from the explosion in slow motion.

Like the bomb scenes, the sneeze seems to happen in slow motion. Anyone whose back is turned to Phillip knows, half sneeze, exactly what going on just by everyone's expression. You can hear the oxygen as it's sucked in to Phil's lungs, loading the gun that's about to let loose a torrent of squishy oozing ammunition.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, within line of sight of the sneeze takes a dive to the nearest cover. But of course, three quarters in, there's a small innocent child carelessly wandering in the blast radius. People gasp. Gasp!

Seven eighth of the sneeze is complete and soon the finale is about to splatter the youngster before his time. Sad face. Lucky for the kid our hero, Mr. McNificent, is sheltering himself nearby. He pushes swiftly from behind his barricade, and runs full speed towards Phil. “Noooooo” he screams as he does a superman dive straight towards Phil's mid section.

It's too late, it seems. The Sneeze is about 97% ready to blow which gives him about 0.467 seconds to send it off in a different direction. 98%, he's in mid air in slow motion, 99%, It's coming and his shoulder is finally in contact with Phil's left hip.

100%. The force of the collision sends Phil's sneeze off course as he expels his built up oxygen in sudden jolt of one sixteenth orgasmic goodness that sends glistening conglomerations of mucus towards the sky. Phil falls to the floor. It's over.

The boy runs to his mother, a beautiful obviously single woman who McNificent had been eying for a while. “Thank you,” she sighs, “You saved my son.”

He pushes back his hair. “Don't worry,” he tells her, looking away into the distance, “It was a sneeze.”

Everyone know that sneeze.

Too be continued...



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