Monday, 6 February 2012

Sonic Fails

Wanna know a game I grew up with and loved? Sonic the hedgehog.

Swiwlver, Swonic and Shwahdohw

I’m going to imagine a few of the people who read this probably just pissed themselves laughing, but contrary to the new garbage Sega is releasing, the old games were classics. I mean Sonic and Mario were considered “rivals” at one point, and then Sega does what Sega’s good at, and fucks shit up.

I think the franchise went down the toilet the moment 3D was integrated into the games. Sonic Adventure 2 in my opinion is the absolutely last good game the Sonic Series had to offer before things went horribly wrong. The series started going downhill with Sonic Heroes, but I think the last nail in the coffin was the very game intended on redeeming Sonic and pals, Sonic 360.

Redemption? I think the only thing that game showed fans was it was about time to take Sonic to the vet and put him out of his misery. Sega gloated about how good this game was going to be, how the graphics were beautiful, and even added some new characters to shake things up a bit. To have even thought this game was a success, I believe the developers were being fucked in the ear canal at the time.

Let’s go over a few of my favorite moments playing this game:


Sure! Let’s try to make the game pretty! Let’s do all this shit to appease the audience with pure aesthetics and intriguing dialogue (LOLOLOLOL.), and because of all this, let’s make players wait  45678365836478658383 hours to actually play the fucking level. Sure, games have load times, I can understand waiting a few minutes for something that will actually be worth my time, but this was ridiculous. I played this game on xbox, so maybe it’s a feature exclusive to the system, but between every little bit of dialogue, LOADING… You answer a question, LOADING… You walk into the level, LOADING… and then you die in the level, and you do it ALL over again. Answer all the same tedious questions and wait half an hour to actually say, “Yes you stupid asshat, I actually DO want to go into the level.”

And these aren’t short loading times. You basically have time to walk down the street, fuck the mailman, learn to ride a unicycle, and take a nice leisurely stroll back to your game which will probably still be loading. Ok I’m exaggerating a little but, but it’s fucking stupid.

2) Level designs

I think someone needs to remind Sega what the Sonic games used to be about. Sonic fans liked the SPEED. (Not the drug, nitwits) They liked running through the levels, grabbing the rings, trying not to die, and all the while being challenged. None of this stop-and-go bullshit in this game. To those that haven’t played this game (don’t do it, don’t even try.), you basically have 3 story lines to follow, being Sonic’s, Shadow’s and the new character Silver (another reason Sega needs to give up), and frankly the two secondary character’s storylines are ten times more enjoyable than Sonic’s simply because his uses the original mechanics of when the games were good. It wouldn’t be a problem if they stayed true to the original games, but the courses are nowhere near smooth, and don’t permit the fluid running movement that used to make the games good.


“Yaayyy I’m running, awww yeahhh grinding, hooming attack, running again- OH
FUCK ME, A CORNER!” * dead *

The levels themselves cause you to stop every two seconds due to mobs of enemies that you have to STOP to deal with, or the horrible level plan which kills you every little bit due to you crashing face-first into walls OR falling through invisible holes. RIGHT, speaking of that, let me rant about GLITCHES.

3) Glitches

Now, not going to lie, I have NEVER been more pissed off in my life about glitches in a game than this piece of shit. I mean there are glitches EVERYWHERE. Let me talk about my favorite one though, just to give you an idea of how terrible this game is.

Remember how I said dying in this game was total bullshit? So this one wonderful time, I’m running around on one of the ocean courses (I don’t want to remember what it was called so don’t ask which one this is.), and this is one of the courses where Tails follows you around (fuck him, fuck him hard and not in the good way.),
and says stupid shit like “I’m coming Sonic!” “I’m right behind you!” etc… which is annoying as all hell, and I just remember thinking to myself “Hm, besides the retarded fox pissing me off, this isn’t really that- fuck.” I said this quote right as I fell through a SOLID bridge, because some asshole programmer didn't realize they left a fucking little patch you can fall through. I understand if I died from falling, hitting the wrong button, or anything else I can blame it on, but in no way should I have to suffer through ALL the dialogue all over again because some dickweed didn’t fix up a part of the ground. To add insult to injury Tails exclaimed (not kidding) “I’m coming with you Sonic!” and proceeded to walk to the edge of the bridge, jump off and dive into the abyss with Sonic and die. I was an instant away from hurling the xbox out the window.

However, like any great review, this one also needs to go over the good points of the game…

I got nothing.

To conclude, don’t play this game. If you want to experience this game for yourself, simply paper cut your genitals and dip them in lemon juice. Save yourself the money and time.

Fuck you Sega.



  1. Don't know if you remember this game ever existing, but there is in fact a game released before this one, that was, dare I say, worse than it. "Shadow the Hedgehog". Imagine being sonic, but in a dark, gritty world, devoid of anything to make you think of Sonic. Guns, vehicles, mechs... You need to see it to believe it.

    1. Shadow was more of a blight than usual in the Sonic series, yes.

      Funny though, isn't it weird how Shadow and Vincent from Final Fantasy 7 are very similar ?

      They both got spinoffs, that had nothing to do with the original games, and had guns.

      And they both sucked.

    2. The funny thing is, yes I did play that game. It was absolutely unbearable. However, I feel like this one takes the cake for the biggest piece of shit ever.